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Gratitude and Change

Hello!

I have been MIA from this blog for awhile now.  Life changes, a LOT of stress, topped off with a dollop of depression and anxiety, and I honestly haven’t known which way was up for quite some time.  So this blog is really more of a personal message to those of you who are wondering what’s going on and where I’ve been.

BUT, I really want to share my gratitude with all of those who have not given up on me.  Because I am truly grateful for all the the support and encouragement that I have received from all of you.

I know that as an introvert and someone who withdraws from social interactions quickly, that I am often not the greatest friend. Yet I still have many people in my life who accept me for who I am and continue to support me. Even when I do things like duck out of parties because I don’t like the feeling of my nerves crawling throughout my body out of discomfort and my, possibly irrational, fear of never being good enough.

This has been a tough year for me.  And I am facing yet another failure.  I am not giving up, because I AM NOT A FAILURE, but I am reevaluating what I REALLY want out of the rest of my life.  I am thinking that finding ways to make my life simpler may be better for me.  Sometimes you CAN give up too much of yourself to the point that you forget to save anything for YOU!

So, My Friends, I appreciate all of you and lovingly accept your support and encouragement while I decide what is next for me.

 

A new job?

Changes at the studio?

Something TOTALLY different?

 

I am honestly not sure yet.

But I am keeping my heart, eyes, and ears open for the opportunity that I am sure is looking as hard for me as I am for it! 🙂

 

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Show Up!

I have people all the time telling me that they just “CAN’T”.

I call Bull Spit!

You CAN, but you have to SHOW UP and make yourself a priority!

 

And the old saying, is 100% TRUE!

If you stop showing up for yourself because your journey doesn’t look like someone else’s, you are only robbing yourself of the joy that you could have if you keep reaching for your goals!

People think that their results are going to be the same as someone else’s who consistently SHOWS UP and puts in the work, even when they don’t give near that level of commitment.

 

And BELIEVE ME, I am saying this to myself as much as I do to others who need to hear it!  I have been continuously fighting my own demons.  Can’t seem to go more than a couple of days without wanting or needing alcohol or food to help me relax and wind down my day.  It’s a crutch, just like all excuses.  I use excess snacking and drinking as an excuse when I sit down to JUSTIFY taking a break. I know in my head this is wrong, but I do it anyway.  I don’t abuse food and alcohol BECAUSE I sit down, I abuse them to ALLOW myself to sit down.  I know it makes no sense, and I am working on it, but I do go into the next day ready to kick its ass!  Some days I win, some I lose.  But I SHOW UP and accept the outcome of MY actions!  My success or failure is on ME, no one else.  I don’t pretend that I have done everything perfect while putting back on some of this weight that I worked so very hard to get off.  But I do SHOW UP and do at least one good thing for myself every day.

I KNOW what to do.  I can tell others what to do and how to get success, because I have HAD success!  And I get that sometimes life gets in the way.  But when things don’t go your way, don’t blame the journey, unless you can say with absolute certainty, that you 100% committed and SHOWED UP!

I haven’t lately.  I admit it.

Stress.

Life situations.

Life seasons(MENOPAUSE AND HORMONES SUCK BTW!!!).

Addiction.

Fear.

Failure.

All of those have taken a toll on my health over the past 5 years.  I had reached a place of what I thought was success in my life and FREAKED OUT!

But when I look back, what made me successful, was consistency and doing things every day that I knew would bring me closer to my vision of success, which to me, is first and foremost being healthy enough to have the energy to take on other things in my life.  I started to veer away from those consistencies when I started allowing distractions to take me away from my habits.  Now I am once again addicted to my distractions.  But I am currently taking steps to help with that.  I am not going to be super forthcoming with these steps at this very moment, because I am doing them for ME and ONLY Me, but watch for future posts 🙂

And that is ALWAYS my biggest advice to anyone who asks me for it.  Make YOU a priority!  And SHOW UP for Yourself EVERY DAY!

 

And as always, MAKE TODAY GREAT! ❤

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Monday Again?

Good Monday Morning!!!

 

I WANT to feel like this~

But since I woke up thinking this~

I actually feel like this~

LOL!

 

BUT….since that isn’t possible, I have made up my mind to CRUSH this day!

So this is just a quick hello and Motivation Monday post to encourage you to CRUSH it with me! 🙂

If you are local, I have 4 spots open at Phoenix Fitness tonight for all 3 classes!  Come join us for some Fitness Fun 🙂

Check the website Home Page for the schedule and times, and message me on Facebook so I can reserve your spot!  I also have permanent spots open for August in ALL classes.

Guess that is all I got for you this morning, so let’s Get Out There And CRUSH This Monday!!!!

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Childhood Anxiety As An Adult

I came across an article today that brought out a very deep emotional reaction from me.  I will include a link at the end of this blog post, but it made me want to write about my experience on the subject.
As a kid, I missed a LOT of school.
I always had a belly ache.
I worried about everything.
I was often dismissed with a, “You’re a kid! You have nothing to worry about!”
Yet I continued to worry. And my belly continued to hurt.
My pediatrician ran tests.
I had more upper GI tests done than any 7-9 year old should ever have to.
By the time I was 9, all I wanted to do was die!
I thought that was the only way to stop the pain.
To stop the worries and fears that caused the pain.
So I tried to kill myself.
I ended up in an adult psychiatric ward.
I was not treated well or kept safe and it was not a good experience.
Those adults should be locked up for the things they did to me.
But my Mom got me out and told me to straighten up so I would never have to go back.
So I pushed it all DEEP!
I tried to BE “normal”.
I still worried.
I still had the belly ache.
I still wanted to die.
I started looking for SOMETHING to take away the pain.
Working hard to get approval from others became a big part, but it never felt like enough.
So the belly pain stayed.
As I got into my teen years, I started looking for love.
I thought from my past the the only way a man would ever love me in a special way was through sex.
Result=Pregnant at 17.
Scared, but totally elated that I would finally have someone who would love me unconditionally.
Early labor at 25 1/2 weeks and a deceased daughter the day after my 18th birthday.
MORE searching for love.
MORE anxiety, depression, and belly aches.
Finding new self-mutilation ways to dull the pain deep in my belly.
Burns and cuts became my self punishment of choice for not being “normal”.
I eventually graduated to drugs and alcohol.
Then came just not caring what happened next.
To be honest, my life filled with fear and self-loathing never really stopped after going through childhood anxiety.
Because of the constant effort of TRYING to smile so I never had to go back to a place like I had ended up when I was 9, most people in my life have no idea that my anxiety never really went away.  And that I STILL have belly aches often.
Burying those feelings.  Thinking they made me NOT normal.  Not talking about them for fear of someone calling me out as the FREAK that I am.
TODAY, I honestly don’t give a shit what anyone thinks, so will talk about ALMOST all of it with anyone who is struggling with feeling like they are the only one dealing with something that they will never be in control of.
TODAY, I am married, have a decent job, own a business, am physically healthy, help others get healthy through fitness classes and online coaching, and can usually find my smile.  And these days, they are often even REAL!
So, what does childhood anxiety look like all grown up?
A CONSTANT WORK IN PROGRESS! ❤
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Being YOUR 100%

As a fitness professional, many people come to me and say they WANT to workout for many reasons. To help with their health, possibly lose a little – or a lot – weight, to get stronger, to feel better, or to look better in a swimsuit! There are as many reasons to exercise as there are forms of exercise!
But if you come into the gym, fitness class, workout video, whatever, with a mindset of “I Can’t” or “I have to modify, so it won’t be enough” or even “I am afraid of looking dumb”, then we need to adjust that mindset first!
You must believe in yourself!  Believe that YOU are strong and can do hard things!  It isn’t always the easiest thing to do, so you MUST make it a consistent mindset exercise to tell yourself that you CAN, because you are WORTH IT, every day!  It is the one thing that when I DON’T do it, everything in my life suffers!
 
Let’s take my current situation as an example.
1- I OWN and operate a fitness studio as the sole fitness instructor and National Academy of Sports Medicine Certified Personal Trainer with a specialty certificate in group/small group fitness.
2- I am at least 50# overweight at the moment.
3- I workout 5-6 days a week, for approximately 12-14 hours a week.
4- I eat fairly clean, but do have alcohol and sugar addiction issues that I do my best to control, but don’t always 100% succeed.
5- I have been battling some stress and sleep issues for the past 4 years now, and am finally starting to get to a place in my life where some relief may be on the horizon.
6- And I am in full blown menopause!
 
These things do not all seem to fit together as a picture perfect specimen of health, right?
But yet I keep going every day!  And I keep my mindset in a place that promotes me doing whatever my 100% is for that day for my health! Some days it is a 6AM workout, eating clean all day, and get a good night’s sleep. Other days, I might get in a 15 minute stretching session, drink too many beers, eat junk food, and fall asleep at 2AM binge watching Netflix!
But I get back up the next day with the same consistent thought that I have tried to remember to tell myself every day since I consciously started my healthy journey on September 19, 2008!
“I will give today MY best! Because I am WORTH it!”
 
So whether you want a safe place that makes fitness fun, and want to try one of my classes at Phoenix Fitness with Body By BrendaT, or prefer to workout at home with a streaming service like Beachbody on Demand, I would love to help you find YOUR starting line for YOUR journey.  And help you learn that YOU are most definitely stronger than you give yourself credit for 🙂  
Message me if you are ready to commit to being YOUR 100%! bodybybrendat@outlook.com
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Where Do I Belong?

Hello Blog Readers!
I am ready to drop some truth that has been holding me back for quite some time now.
I have been battling some pretty serious pain issues lately. I am still teaching all of my classes, but I am not sure that any workouts of my own are in my near future. Teaching takes everything I got, and I am icing, heating, massaging, medicating, you name it, daily to be the best I can be for my students and clients.
With this pain and change in my lifestyle, has also come a bit of depression. I am doing my best to come to terms with it, and take the rest time that I need, but I REALLY want to get back to my life! After the stress, lack of sleep, and menopause issues of the last 2-3 years, I am just ready to get back to normal. I allowed myself a LOT of grace during that time while my body seemed to have turned its back on me and took on inflammation and put on fat like crazy no matter how well I ate, or how much I worked out. But now, I am ready to get back to “My Life”, and my body is STILL not letting me!  I feel like I don’t belong in my own life right now, because my body and head can’t agree on a game plan.
Another truth to tell – Yes, we are actually having financial problems right now, but the REAL reason I didn’t even want to go to Beachbody Coach Summit this year, was because I don’t feel like I belong there right now. I can’t face those people who met me 5 years ago as a size 6 now wearing tight size 12’s. It’s embarrassing. I feel like an absolute failure!
And before you say it, YES, I know that the life change and stress and sleep deprivation can all cause weight gain, and this is NOT a sign of being LAZY or not trying, I am just being honest about how I FEEL right now. I also feel like people won’t commit to classes at Phoenix Fitness with Body By BrendaT, because they don’t feel I am a visual representation of what I “should” look like to be promoting health and fitness.
And I hate to say it, but even today with all of the research that proves that overweight people CAN be healthy, most people still only see fat, unhealthy, lazy, and gluttonous when they see people with weight problems. I have believed this for most of my life myself, because it is how most people have treated me in my life. The only time I ever felt “accepted”, was the 3 years that I was a size 4-6! WHY is that? The size of my ass has NOTHING to do with who I AM!  OR how good of a Fitness instructor and Personal Trainer I am!
Another truth – I have been working on self love and self acceptance a lot lately.  I am not there yet, but I am trying.  It is hard to be positive and and promote self love, when you look in the mirror and see someone that has a great deal of trouble loving herself!  So I have trouble feeling like I belong on my own Facebook Pages as I still do my best to post positivity and about staying body positive no matter where you are today, as I still struggle with it constantly!
Anymore, I am not sure what I want or where I want my life to go next.  I am not sure where I WANT to BELONG.  I have done a LOT of soul searching lately, and I have tried to be honest with myself about what it is that I want.  I thought I knew, and all I ended up with was MORE trust issues.  People are not always what they say they are.  I will continue to search for what I want and need out of life, but for now, I am a wife, a furmom, a fitness studio owner/instructor, a bookkeeper, and more.  And I will continue to try to be the best I can be!
My point of all these truths, it that I want you to please never feel alone when you feel like you just don’t fit.  I feel like that almost EVERY DAY!  The only advice I can give, is never give up on yourself.
You DO Belong!
I DO Belong!
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Becoming Me-A New Chapter In A Frustrating Life Season

The last few weeks I have felt a shift in myself.  I have really been beating myself up for quite some time lately. And each time I think I am doing better, something else happens to pull me back down. I have had troubles accepting this season of my life.  I workout and, yes, I DO eat right most of the time.  Yet still I struggle with the greatest nemesis of my life, my weight.  I know now that I have not made time and taken enough time to rest, recover, relax, or even just breathe.  I am stressed most of the time. And up until my Sweet Emmy Lou died, I was averaging about 4 hours of sleep per night for the last 2-3 years.  I simply haven’t been doing very good on my self-care.  And in the meantime, have returned to some pretty toxic feelings of self-loathing and worse.  Add in some sneaky toxic people, and you have a pretty good recipe for a slippery slope back to depression and under rock dwelling 😦  But I REFUSE to reside there for too long EVER AGAIN!

Although it was a horrible and heart wrenching time for me, after I lost my sweet Emmy, I realized that it is time to start being nicer to ME in more ways than just starting to get a little more sleep.  I recently listened to a book about being healthy at any weight, and although I really agreed with so much of it, because I have had a horrible relationship with food all of my life, I am also not happy with where I am at now for ME!  Not to please anyone else.  Not to make myself feel worthy of love or friendship.  Not even for acceptance as a fitness professional.  You don’t HAVE to be a “Barbie” to be a FIT!  But I also know that with my knee problems, I feel a lot better about 40# lighter than I am right now.

But I will NOT be body shaming myself anymore!  And I will not tolerate anyone who thinks they have a right to talk about me or ANY ONE else in that way.  Either to our faces, OR behind our backs!  To them, I simply say F!U! Because they may think that beauty is about weight, but in my opinion, their ugly hearts are WAY uglier than my Big Butt, Thick Thighs, or Bulging Belly!

This is pretty much a TOTAL overhaul of the way I have thought and talked about myself for most of my life, so please be patient with me.  So if you see me struggling, saying a kind word would be appreciated.  Further criticism, or even unsolicited diet, nutrition, or fitness advice is NOT!  Following crappy advice and fad diets for research has also contributed to where I am now with a 100% jacked up metabolism!  It will NOT happen overnight, and I do not expect it to.  Neither should you!  So don’t assume that I have given up just because of what I LOOK like!  Sometimes the people that you think aren’t doing anything, are working harder than anyone else.  Or they have simply decided to believe in THEMSELVES more than what media and society tell them they should believe in.

I have been told SO MANY times in the last 2 years, that it is my age, or menopause, or stress.  And even though I do believe that all of those things have played a role in why I have “fallen” as some have said, you know what?  I have fallen before.  I have also gotten back up EVERY TIME!  If you think you know my whole story, I would like to know how, since it isn’t even close to being over yet! 😉

I GOT THIS!