Mind Games

This post is really just for me.  I need to work through some things in my head.  BUT, having said that, I do want to share it in case reading it will help anyone else with the same struggles.

I struggle with who I “AM” all the time.  I know I am a good person, I am determined, strong, and nurturing.  But then I am also a worrier, selfish with my time, a hothead, and unorganized.  Then there is the physical me…The person others see, and the person I see are often 2 different people.  Until today.  Someone I love told me today that I could stand to lose another 20-25# if I really wanted to be considered “skinny” in his eyes.  I have to tell you, that after the self-doubting weekend I had, it hit me in the gut like a blow from Mike Tyson!  But I also feel he had a point.  But do I want to be his version of “skinny”?  But that said, WHAT DO I WANT???

I was in such a “defeated” place this weekend, that I was even not really all that upset when I found out that scheduling conflicts is going to push back the pics that I was going to have taken on the 11th.  I have been looking forward to this for months.  My diet has not been spot on, but I have been working out HARD!  I just don’t feel I have worked hard enough to get where I want to be to even make it worth having “fitness” pics taken.

Have I put on the muscle?  Yes, I have, but I did not get rid of enough fat, and therefore, even though I am sitting at 20.4% bodyfat(not bad for a 41 yr old woman who was 50%+ less than 4 yrs ago), I feel like a failure.  And I know failures are just stepping stones to success, and I know that even though I feel low right now, that I will NOT stay here.  But I still struggle with  it from time to time, even comparing myself to others, even though I know I shouldn’t.  They are NOT me!  There is only one Me, and I have done some pretty awesome things with my life over the last 4 years.   But then I look in the mirror and see ONLY the failures.

BUT…I still have to wonder if the woman in my mirror will EVER be where she thinks she should be???  Will I EVER feel worthy of all the good things happening in my life?  Then again, why shouldn’t I?  I have worked VERY hard!  I know I look better than I did 4 years ago.   I even know that due to the changes I have made on the outside, I have changed on the inside.  One big change is that I actually WANT to share things like this with others.  I used to hold EVERYTHING in!

If you got this far, thanks for reading.  And I will keep thinking out loud until I find ALL of Me:)