This post is really just for me. I need to work through some things in my head. BUT, having said that, I do want to share it in case reading it will help anyone else with the same struggles.
I struggle with who I “AM” all the time. I know I am a good person, I am determined, strong, and nurturing. But then I am also a worrier, selfish with my time, a hothead, and unorganized. Then there is the physical me…The person others see, and the person I see are often 2 different people. Until today. Someone I love told me today that I could stand to lose another 20-25# if I really wanted to be considered “skinny” in his eyes. I have to tell you, that after the self-doubting weekend I had, it hit me in the gut like a blow from Mike Tyson! But I also feel he had a point. But do I want to be his version of “skinny”? But that said, WHAT DO I WANT???
I was in such a “defeated” place this weekend, that I was even not really all that upset when I found out that scheduling conflicts is going to push back the pics that I was going to have taken on the 11th. I have been looking forward to this for months. My diet has not been spot on, but I have been working out HARD! I just don’t feel I have worked hard enough to get where I want to be to even make it worth having “fitness” pics taken.
Have I put on the muscle? Yes, I have, but I did not get rid of enough fat, and therefore, even though I am sitting at 20.4% bodyfat(not bad for a 41 yr old woman who was 50%+ less than 4 yrs ago), I feel like a failure. And I know failures are just stepping stones to success, and I know that even though I feel low right now, that I will NOT stay here. But I still struggle with it from time to time, even comparing myself to others, even though I know I shouldn’t. They are NOT me! There is only one Me, and I have done some pretty awesome things with my life over the last 4 years. But then I look in the mirror and see ONLY the failures.
BUT…I still have to wonder if the woman in my mirror will EVER be where she thinks she should be??? Will I EVER feel worthy of all the good things happening in my life? Then again, why shouldn’t I? I have worked VERY hard! I know I look better than I did 4 years ago. I even know that due to the changes I have made on the outside, I have changed on the inside. One big change is that I actually WANT to share things like this with others. I used to hold EVERYTHING in!
If you got this far, thanks for reading. And I will keep thinking out loud until I find ALL of Me:)