Mind Games

This post is really just for me.  I need to work through some things in my head.  BUT, having said that, I do want to share it in case reading it will help anyone else with the same struggles.

I struggle with who I “AM” all the time.  I know I am a good person, I am determined, strong, and nurturing.  But then I am also a worrier, selfish with my time, a hothead, and unorganized.  Then there is the physical me…The person others see, and the person I see are often 2 different people.  Until today.  Someone I love told me today that I could stand to lose another 20-25# if I really wanted to be considered “skinny” in his eyes.  I have to tell you, that after the self-doubting weekend I had, it hit me in the gut like a blow from Mike Tyson!  But I also feel he had a point.  But do I want to be his version of “skinny”?  But that said, WHAT DO I WANT???

I was in such a “defeated” place this weekend, that I was even not really all that upset when I found out that scheduling conflicts is going to push back the pics that I was going to have taken on the 11th.  I have been looking forward to this for months.  My diet has not been spot on, but I have been working out HARD!  I just don’t feel I have worked hard enough to get where I want to be to even make it worth having “fitness” pics taken.

Have I put on the muscle?  Yes, I have, but I did not get rid of enough fat, and therefore, even though I am sitting at 20.4% bodyfat(not bad for a 41 yr old woman who was 50%+ less than 4 yrs ago), I feel like a failure.  And I know failures are just stepping stones to success, and I know that even though I feel low right now, that I will NOT stay here.  But I still struggle with  it from time to time, even comparing myself to others, even though I know I shouldn’t.  They are NOT me!  There is only one Me, and I have done some pretty awesome things with my life over the last 4 years.   But then I look in the mirror and see ONLY the failures.

BUT…I still have to wonder if the woman in my mirror will EVER be where she thinks she should be???  Will I EVER feel worthy of all the good things happening in my life?  Then again, why shouldn’t I?  I have worked VERY hard!  I know I look better than I did 4 years ago.   I even know that due to the changes I have made on the outside, I have changed on the inside.  One big change is that I actually WANT to share things like this with others.  I used to hold EVERYTHING in!

If you got this far, thanks for reading.  And I will keep thinking out loud until I find ALL of Me:)

10 thoughts on “Mind Games

  1. Good post and glad you shared! I had a similar gut-punch this week. Went in for my yearly exam and the nurse took my height and weight and said I’m still in the “overweight” category and handed me a pamphlet on exercising. This is just 3 days after I rode all the way across Iowa on my bike! So I’m not quite ideal yet?! Fine!! But I wish she’d have noticed that I was down 38#s from my appointment last year and said “Nice Job” before telling me to lose more. It’s a work in progress lady! Crimney! Just gotta remember that all progress is good and scales don’t tell you how much work you’ve put in. I dare that nurse to take this FIT woman on in a bike race! Heck- I’ll give her a head start 🙂

    • Thank you Laura! My Dad is not the most “complimentary” person, and when he does say how well I have done, it really makes me feel good. But him saying that today REALLY hit me hard because I was already tearing myself down.
      AND, if I were you, I would challenge what that nurse said, because I bet she was looking at a BMI chart, wasn’t she? Those things are NOT accurate! If I let that rule my head, I would have jumped off a bridge by now. It does not put your body composition into the equation at all! According to it, I am bordering on being overweight! I DO know better than that! And YOU are the same way! Your running and biking have put on some serious muscle, and therefore, you are heavier than you look, because you are more dense. So don’t let a BMI chart rule you! You know you are FIT and so do I! Some days we just need to stick together against those who seem to want to tear us down instead of building us up. Even when it is ourselves:P Fit Chicks RULE!

  2. I just want to first thank you Brenda for all the encouragement you give on here it means lot. and you inspire me to do better and keep pushing….and I so understanding what you are saying about the stuggles you face because I feel the same way. Sometimes we must remember as you have said how far we have come and be super proud of that! We will all just keep pushing and better we will be.

  3. Brenda, please just consider the source. I love Dad to death but he also can infuriate me faster than anyone. Sometimes the older he gets I think his head is just one big brain fart. I am so proud of what you have done. I brag about you often. Just look at your before and after pictures and that says it right there. WOW!! I have loved you both ways just hope the day comes when you love yourself. Your big sister, Pam.

  4. Oh Brenda, I am sorry for the comment made to you- ya know, we will NEVER be “all” in everyone’s eyes. There will always be a comment from the peanut gallery about what could be “better” it’s moving PAST those comments, and NOT letting them affect your thoughts, that is most important. You said it yourself, YOU HAVE changed! AND FOR THE BETTER 🙂 REVEL in that – ENJOY FULLY ALL YOU HAVE BECOME! YOU are someone I think of constantly! ALL YOU have accomplished, withOUT the help of drs., drugs, etc….the little voice in my head is constantly reminding me “BRENDA DID IT WITHOUT ALL THAT, YOU CAN TOO!)
    I (WE) AM BLESSED TO KNOW YOU!
    Love you bunches! Lois

    • Thank You, Lois. It has just been kind of a rough week. Doubting myself, my training, my diet, ALL OF IT! Then to have this come up really threw me for a loop. I got some great support last night from some friends at Legacy, add that with the support here and a few personal messages off the board, and I am feeling better about it all. Now is the time to get busy and get the definition “I” want to see in myself FOR myself, and stop worrying about what anyone else thinks. One thing about me, I LOVE to prove others wrong. The more someone pushes me down and tells me I can’t…The more I want to turn to them and say, “Watch Me!”

  5. Life is a journey. I think you will never be satisfied with where you are, because you will always have new goals. However, I do hope you can one day feel worthy of greatness, because you are. So many people see how awesome you are. I wish from the bottom of my heart you believe it too!

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