Working Through The Emotional Stuff

Many of you know that I have struggled with a lot of emotional and mental issues for most of my life.  Self-Hate and depression were just the beginning at a very young age.  When I added the loss of a child, when I was still a child myself(She went to be with God the day after my 18th birthday), we prayed for the best, but the fear of the worst is there.  On April 10, 1989, I could see that fear in my Mother’s eyes.  She was scared as to what I would do next.  How would I handle it?  Would I fall apart?  Would I try once again to take my own life like I had years earlier?

Well, I have had many break downs since then.  Marian’s dad was actually great in the months following our loss.  Although we did not stay together, he was a kind and gentle man, especially considering his age(he was 16) and what we had just been through.  Marian would be 25 years old now, and I still think of her every day.  I don’t mourn her as much as I used to, but I often wonder what she would have been like.  And how would my life have been different?  I do still have days though.

Today is Pregnancy And Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  In honor of that, I am asking you all to join me in the Wave of Light to remember our tiny angels.

wave of light


I also want to share with you a poem that was given to me by Marian’s dad after she left us.

In Memory Of Marian

I hear the cry of a child

From far, far away

And I wonder if the crying

Is my Marian trying to say…


It’s OK, so please don’t frown,

It was not your fault at all.

Now I am sitting here in Heaven

And GOD said that I could call.


So I called to say I love you,

And I hope that you’re alright.

I hope my call won’t sadden you,

And keep you up all night.


Well, I have to go now.

Please be happy and don’t fret.

‘Cause I am sitting here on GOD’s lap

Getting the best care I can get.


So as I reach out with my words as a HUGE HUG to all of you today, I hope each of you struggling with an empty place in your arms, but an extra little light in your heart, knowing that such a special little angel was a part of you once.

The love is real.

The PAIN is real.

The emotions are real.

Just because others don’t understand it, does not mean it is not real.

If you need help dealing with it, please get it.  If you need a friend who will not dismiss your pain, find one.  You are not alone.  Many of us deal with these feeling EVERY day.

I am blessed to be an aunt to so many wonderful kids.  And now THEIR kids’s GREAT-Aunt!  I honestly, without writing their names all down, have lost count!  LOL!   But they share their love with me, and respect that there are going to be days that I may cry when a little one is lain in my arms for the first time.  They know it will be OK, I am just thinking about the love I have for my Marian that I never got to share.  Thank God there are so many of them to spread it around to! 🙂


saying goodbye

3 Replies to “Working Through The Emotional Stuff”

  1. Such a beautiful message Brenda- know that your daughter is indeed in a special place and someday you will both be together – blessings!!!


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