Those of you who have been following me for some time, you know I have been having a bit of a rough time of it this past year or so. I was struggling with a lot of guilt before my Dad’s passing, after selling his home and not dealing well with him in his altered mental state after an acute kidney problem. I didn’t want to remember him that mean, so it was hard for me to see him. He called me a thief for stealing his house. 😦 And that was one of the more kind things he would say when I went to see him. So I began avoiding going to his nursing home. It just hurt too much. I felt like the person I was visiting just wasn’t him anymore. Close to the end, I did have some good visits with him, but the inevitable time came, and the grief and sorrow hit me hard.
Dealing with his death brought up feelings of missing my Mom and even my daughter. I fought very hard to not get lost in that grief. I was surrounded by people who loved and supported me, yet I felt all alone. And from my past, I knew that to be comforted when alone, food was always there to help. I tried my hardest, since I was in the public eye, to continue to eat good foods, but too much is too much, no matter what you are eating. And I started to consume more alcohol than normal. Any extra stress(and I have ran into some doozies the past few months), and I would run straight to the garage fridge where I never failed to find my “old friend”.
And of course, I started gaining weight, which depressed me. Then the drama would start up again, and back to the booze I would run! I was still working out, and still leading the most AMAZING Zumba class around, but you can’t outwork a bad diet!
So, a month ago, I declared that I was getting back on the horse! For about the 50th time this year so far! 😛
But I had a goal. I had a purpose for getting back into shape. My friend, Stace, the world famous martial arts and fitness photographer from Kickpics, was coming to town on September 18th to take some new pictures!
This time felt different.
I was going to do it!
Then STRESS & DRAMA hit again!
Once again, I fell. But I made a vow, that this is the last time! If something or someone in my life isn’t there to fuel my success, it is fueling the RESISTANCE to my success. So for the last 2.5 weeks, I have struggled, but I have fought hard to keep it together. And I lost nearly 8#! But I still looked in the mirror Thursday night, the day before the pictures were to be taken, and just wanted to throw my hands in the air in defeat! I was ready to call off the photo shoot. I am still so far from what I “think” people expect of me. “Who will see Me as a role model with fitness pictures of THIS BODY?” I asked myself.
Then I sat and thought about all the kind things people have said to me throughout my journey. That it is my fight, my persistence, my drive, my genuine personality, my big heart, my support, that gives them hope that if I can do it, they can too. I have not been giving myself the love and credit that I deserve for all that I have done!
I am not a fitness model. Probably never will be. But I am healthy. I am fit. And I am trying my very best to accept myself at every stage of this journey and LOVE ME!
So, I may have fought a big fight with myself over having or not having these pictures taken, but I think I won this one! I did the photo shoot! And I had a blast!
So here is just one photo from that shoot.
I have been sharing a few others over on Facebook and on IG, so please come join me there.
I will always be a work in progress, and I am sure this journey will always have some ups and downs. But this journey is my life, and I am going to live it to the fullest, trying to be the very best version of ME! I preach self-love and self-acceptance to all of my students, customers, and clients, but I struggle with it myself. I am not saying my war is over, but today I choose to win the battle, and I LOVE ME!
Want to fight the battle together? I would love to help! I am starting a new Beachbody Challenge Group the first Monday of October(10/5), message me ASAP to help you choose your Challenge Pack and get you started. Email me at the below address or find me on Facebook! 🙂
MAKE today GREAT!!!
Facebook Body By BrendaT
IG and Twitter @bodybybrendat