Be The Light You Are Looking For

It has not only been the struggle with my weight that I have been fighting recently.  I have been having some heart ripping struggles from within and some from external sources that have been tearing me apart.  I actually said to someone today that maybe the only way to protect my heart is to become a Heartless B!^@#.

But that just isn’t ME!  I am a loving person who wears her heart on her sleeve, maybe a little too often.  I feel guilty for having “bad days” because I feel I shouldn’t ever have bad days!  But you know what?  I have them!  And even though I can slap a big old fake smile on with the best of them, when someone says something hurtful to me, I HURT!  To the core!  I have had confidence problems from some pretty LOUSY things that were done and said to me as a child, and still struggle with acceptance.  From others AND of MYSELF!

Some who don’t understand what I have been going through keep pushing me to get past it and keep myself busy with work and anything else to keep my mind off of my problems.  But that doesn’t make the problems go away.  That doesn’t make the feelings magically GO AWAY!

Then I reflected back to my work over the last month with Dr Mcayla, and that I should NOT suppress my feelings, but to embrace them, feel them, deal with them.  They are MINE!  They are not wrong.  If I am hurt, I can feel that hurt.  If I am sad, I am allowed to be sad.  If I am angry, I CAN be angry.  And if I feel I have been wronged, that it is not my job to make the person who wronged me feel better.

But right now, what I feel is TIRED!  I am tired of living in this darkness.  Just when I thought it was all starting to fade away, my heart is breaking again!  But as I listened to my next session this morning on clarity, I realized that it is only my responsibility to make my own light.  And one way for me to do that is to continue to love and be loved and to realize that not everyone is going to like me and that is OK.  It is on me to make Me happy, and if I can share some of that happiness with even one other person, than I am doing what God put me here to do.  And those who choose to not see my light and its worth in the darkness, then that’s OK too.  Not everyone is meant to be in everyone else’s life.  We are all different, and if I am not someone’s cup of tea, it really is OK!  And I should not change to be something else that someone else wants, just as I should not expect them to change to please me.

light to darkness

Love. Peace. And Fitness!

MAKE today GREAT!!!

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IG and Twitter @bodybybrendat

#Empower #Strength #SelfLove #SelfConfidence #WarriorGoddess #PunchFearInTheFace #YouAreBeautiful #BeYourOwnLight



Each time I come across this picture, I just cringe. It makes me sick to my stomach.
Because I actually see my face on this little girl  😦

One of my earliest memories of my self loathing body image, was going to my pediatrician when I was 5 or 6. He would poke me in the belly and say to my mom, “Brenda getting a little too chubby. Need to put on diet or she will be massive fat adult!” This is exactly how he would say it. English was not his first language, he was from India. And I LOVED his family. They were our neighbors. At his house, his wife would make us these wonderful treats from their country. And they always had rock candy! Great for the “fat kid” of the neighborhood to always be the one that doctor would NOT let have the candy.

But I would dream about being beautiful. I would look at pictures of women in magazines, and dream that “one day”…..

Today, I still catch myself doing the same damn thing! Even though I KNOW in my heart that it is wrong! Even though I know beauty comes from within! Even though I know that it is our actions that truly make us beautiful. And Even though I know about all the touch ups, makeup, contouring, and photo shopping, and plain and simple, that…



It admit that it is still a difficult road that I stroll down from time to time, and I hope and pray that as I publicly share my journey(the good, bad, and ugly) down this road that I shed light on the reality of the fact that being fit, healthy, and BEAUTIFUL have nothing to do with the size of your F-ing Skinny Jeans!
I am not saying that wanting to lose weight for health and to look and feel better is bad, but PLEASE remember that it is not what DEFINES beauty! I am in the fitness industry, and although many are only focused on being skinny, there is a MUCH GREATER MESSAGE that many of us share that is way above and beyond “skinny”! Being your BEST YOU! No matter what that is or looks like!

The most eye pleasing woman in the world can still be ugly, by her actions, or simply by opening her mouth!

But the mirror is still my arch nemesis! It taunts me! It distorts all that is within and focuses only on the overweight, ugly outside that I see. But I am healthy. I am fit. WHY do I still let this object define me in my head? Why do I only focus on what I see as flaws instead of the wonderful progress I have made since I was that chubby little girl who saw nothing but a worthless, sad, lonely, fat girl looking out from her mirror.

My point of this post, is to please not only watch what and how you say things to your children, but watch how you talk about yourself in front of them. If they know that you disgust yourself for being overweight, if they too have a weight problem, they will also think that they are disgusting to you.

You ARE Beautiful!

purple rose you are beautiful

And flaws and all, So Am I!

MAKE today GREAT!!!

Facebook Body By BrendaT

IG and Twitter @bodybybrendat

#Empower #Strength #SelfLove #SelfConfidence #WarriorGoddess #PunchFearInTheFace #YouAreBeautiful

Punch Fear In The Face!

I have a TRUTH of mine that I need to share with you all.

I think many people have a misconception of my physical struggles, because I LOVE to smile and share the joy of my life with others.  Because of this, I hear all the time from people that I am SO LUCKY that I don’t deal with pain after all I have been through with my back, and all the other medical issues that I have struggled with, such as the degenerative disk disease and RA.

All I can say to that is, REALLY?!?  I don’t have pain?  News to me.  Will you tell my body that?

Most of you know, that I am not so much a morning person. And being in the fitness profession, I continually get told that I should MAKE myself get up and do my workout early to show my customers that I am disciplined! Got news for you, that is not going to happen. Those same people who tell me this over and over, are people who have NEVER seen me get out of bed in the morning.

The reason I can’t workout in the morning, is that from my low back down to my feet(especially my ankles and hips) take a good 30 minutes or so, just to be able to MOVE with any fluidity. I move so stiff, that I look like I am on the wrong side of a Zombie Apocalypse! 😛  After the stiffness wears off, I get to a tolerable level of pain and some days it even goes away altogether for awhile.  But since I am telling you my truth, there is never a day without physical pain.

But fitness IS for everyone, and staying active is what will keep this pain from taking over my life! Although sometimes I will have to do things on its terms 😛  But if the worst thing is that I don’t see any 6AM workouts in my future, I think I am good!  LOL!

So, even though I have the FEAR of my RA and DDD worsening every day, I refuse to give up on my dreams! I will keep doing my thing! I will find ways around whatever it throws at me!12067763_601262546678100_1687613810_n

So never assume that someone’s whole life is how they present themselves to the outside world. Sometimes it takes all they got just to get out of bed in the morning! My behind-the-scenes may sometimes be FAR from spectacular, but that doesn’t mean I will stop working on an AMAZING highlight reel! 🙂images

Remember, being brave isn’t the absence of fear, it is looking that fear straight in the face, pulling back for the punch, and letting that fist fly while saying, “Is that all you got?”

punch fear in the face

What Fear are YOU punching in the face today?


MAKE today GREAT!!!

Facebook Body By BrendaT

IG and Twitter @bodybybrendat

#Empower #Strength #SelfLove #SelfConfidence #WarriorGoddess #PunchFearInTheFace