It has not only been the struggle with my weight that I have been fighting recently.  I have been having some heart ripping struggles from within and some from external sources that have been tearing me apart.  I actually said to someone today that maybe the only way to protect my heart is to become a Heartless B!^@#.

But that just isn’t ME!  I am a loving person who wears her heart on her sleeve, maybe a little too often.  I feel guilty for having “bad days” because I feel I shouldn’t ever have bad days!  But you know what?  I have them!  And even though I can slap a big old fake smile on with the best of them, when someone says something hurtful to me, I HURT!  To the core!  I have had confidence problems from some pretty LOUSY things that were done and said to me as a child, and still struggle with acceptance.  From others AND of MYSELF!

Some who don’t understand what I have been going through keep pushing me to get past it and keep myself busy with work and anything else to keep my mind off of my problems.  But that doesn’t make the problems go away.  That doesn’t make the feelings magically GO AWAY!

Then I reflected back to my work over the last month with Dr Mcayla, and that I should NOT suppress my feelings, but to embrace them, feel them, deal with them.  They are MINE!  They are not wrong.  If I am hurt, I can feel that hurt.  If I am sad, I am allowed to be sad.  If I am angry, I CAN be angry.  And if I feel I have been wronged, that it is not my job to make the person who wronged me feel better.

But right now, what I feel is TIRED!  I am tired of living in this darkness.  Just when I thought it was all starting to fade away, my heart is breaking again!  But as I listened to my next session this morning on clarity, I realized that it is only my responsibility to make my own light.  And one way for me to do that is to continue to love and be loved and to realize that not everyone is going to like me and that is OK.  It is on me to make Me happy, and if I can share some of that happiness with even one other person, than I am doing what God put me here to do.  And those who choose to not see my light and its worth in the darkness, then that’s OK too.  Not everyone is meant to be in everyone else’s life.  We are all different, and if I am not someone’s cup of tea, it really is OK!  And I should not change to be something else that someone else wants, just as I should not expect them to change to please me.

Love. Peace. And Fitness!

MAKE today GREAT!!!

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