If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I wasn’t around much this weekend. Many might have thought I just had big Easter Plans, but sadly, NO. I fell hard yesterday. I hit a place that I have not been in awhile. I thought I was going to deal with it all OK, but didn’t work out that way. And as the day went on, it progressively got worse and worse. I had an uncontrollable bout of sadness and depression. I could hardly function, and THAT made me ANGRY!
Now this morning, the sadness and depression are lingering, but the ANGER? Oh My! I am SO mad at myself. After an AMAZING week long detox, and feeling great on Saturday morning, I decided to feed the monster within, and overate CRAP all weekend! Now I am so angry with myself, I don’t know what to do.
I would LOVE to tell you that I am easily going to brush it under the rug and say, it is in the past, nothing I can do about it now, so put it behind me and move forward. But I am having a hard time explaining that to myself this morning. But I did jump right back into my routine as best I could this morning, in hopes that it will snap me out of this “Debbie Downer” mood quickly and get back to being the positive person that I want to be! As I always say, “Bring Your Own Light To The Darkness!”
I know sometimes it seems that I make light of my depression, but it is just my defense mechanism. I know how serious it is. Trust me, as I sat yesterday in my recliner crying, feeling useless, feeling like, “How do I continue to help others, when I have days like this? Will they even want me too?”, wondering if there is going to be a day that the pain in my body and the demons in my head are going to join forces and take “me” away, and I actually had thoughts about giving up EVERYTHING I have worked so hard for!
So, YES! I DO know how serious it is. But I can’t let myself LIVE there. I have to get through the worst parts, get REALLY F-ing MAD, and do my best to move forward! I don’t like to hash it out over and over and over again! I am not one to reach out for help or want someone to “discuss” my issues with, because I HATE pity and REALLY hate beating a dead horse! And just so you know, unsolicited advice is even worse! If I choose to take a medication or see a new shrink or work with an online therapist, or just write a new blog post like this, because THAT is what make ME most comfortable…then don’t try to push what YOU think is best for me. Everyone may be entitled to an opinion, but when it comes to My Life, I am also entitled to tell you what to do with that opinion!
And if you made it this far in this rant, I Thank You for listening.
Sending LOVE out to ALL of you who struggle with depression. It SUCKS! And when people see a bright smiling face one minute, and tears the next, they most likely are NOT going to understand. And even though the pain is very real, do your best to not let it steal YOU!
MAKE the BEST of EVERY Day!!!