Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day

Those 3 words have hurt me to the core for years.  Many of you who follow me, know that I got pregnant by my high school sweetheart when I was 17.  We had a real tough time with the news at first, but by the end of my first trimester, we were getting used to the idea that we were going to be young parents.  I had good enough grades to graduate early, and was going to travel and hospitality school, and he had plans to finish high school and had a part time job after school.  We hadn’t worked it all out yet, but we loved our baby already and were going to figure out how to make it work.

I talked to my belly daily.  I didn’t know if it was going to work out with me and her dad at that point, because let’s face it, it is a rare love that is strong enough to start that young!  However I do know a few 🙂  But I knew that no matter what, me and that baby were going to make it TOGETHER!  The love I had for that butterfly fluttering about in my belly was greater than anything I could have ever felt.

Then came April 10th, the day after my 18th birthday.  It started normal as any day does.  I got up, got ready, and headed to the travel agency where my classes were held.  About 15 minutes before our lunch break, what I thought was my tiny pregnancy bladder kicked in to high gear.  I decided to wait it out, and as soon as we took our break, I “sprinted” for the bathroom.  I was bleeding profusely!  Needless to say I was hysterical.  A friend drove me home to get my parents, and we headed to the hospital.

I had lost the mucus plug that holds the placenta in the uterus, and was starting to deliver the baby and the whole sack at the same time.  There was still hope for her they thought though, so they put my feet up with hopes that gravity would help put things back in place and they would simulate a new plug.  Unfortunately, it did not work.  Marian was not going to make it.  She would be born a few hours later and as far as I was told(I had been placed under general anaesthesia), did not ever take a full breath on her own.

Needless to say, I was devastated!  And I was told that this was going to cause issues with any future pregnancies IF there were any.  As you probably know, being blessed with children was not to be in the hand I was dealt, and I have struggled with that since that day.

Then on March 9, 2003, just six weeks before my wedding, my beloved Mom and Best Friend, suddenly passed away in her sleep as she napped on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  Once again, I was CRUSHED!  Soon after our wedding, we went through some fertility testing, only to finally have my worst fears confirmed, that there was a very miniscule chance that I would ever conceive.  This put us in a constant state of sadness.  And to finish off Mother’s Day once and for all for me, just 4 years later, in October of 2007, we lost my Mother-In-Law.  So since 2008, The First Sunday after the first full week of May, has just been any other Sunday to me.  Or at least so I would say to anyone who asked.  Secretly, I would be screaming in pain on the inside.

In 2015, I made a decision.  I wanted some kind of memorial for my daughter.  I bought a necklace with her birth date and birthstone on it, but it still just didn’t feel quite like what I wanted.  I wanted something more permanent. So I asked around, and found a great artist to give me the memorial that I wanted.

On October 22, 2015, Gordon Smeltser, at Loyal To None in Quincy, IL, gave me this beautiful pink and blue butterfly, which are the colors of the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness ribbon, which you can see that the wings are actually 2 of the ribbons crisscrossed and overlapping.

So, even though all of the people in my life who made Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day get to spend it together, I am here getting to remember the beautiful times that they each brought to my life.  So from now forward, I will do my best to celebrate what they brought to my life, no matter how short or how long they played a role.  I love them all!

To ALL Moms out there, whether you were blessed with them for a moment or for many, many years, have a wonderful Mother’s Day and know that you are LOVED!

I wrote the following several years ago, on a day that I was feeling guilty for not wanting to meet someone’s new baby. But they are my feelings and I am allowed to have them. Not all days are good days, and that’s ok.

Peace, Love, and Light

*Updated and reshared on Mother’s Day 2021(5/9/21)