Is it just me, or do any of you have days when everything is seems to be going pretty good, but you just have this feeling that something bad is about to happen? But even with all of that positive thinking I do, and working to be in control of my own happiness, I still have “days”. I feel like I shouldn’t, but I do.
This is a pretty good visual representation of how I feel today.
I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks from worrying about things that “might” happen my whole life! At 9 years old, I was admitted into a psychiatric ward because I had had my first nervous breakdown and tried to commit suicide to avoid what I was certain was going to be a horrific turn of events in my life. Instead of getting well while I was there, I was repeatedly abused and therefore, I saw it as a premonition of things to come. So any time I have these feelings, I tend to go into full panic mode, and then get very down and sad and revert to being an introvert(or as I call it, “numb out under a rock”) mode.
People sometimes have a way of lashing out at, or putting down someone when they are changing to better themselves, because that change doesn’t fit into that other person’s life. But I am DONE feeling bad for the wonderful changes in my life not making the lives of every person I know easier! I can’t let the negativity and guilt trips make me feel bad. I was told by a great friend this weekend to stop making myself crazy trying to make everyone happy! That it is simply not possible!
I have fought demons my whole life. Most think I had perfectly normal childhood, and many parts of it were pretty great! As long as I was kept busy and not left alone with my thoughts. I wasn’t even allowed to talk about what happened to me with my own family, so I held it in. I dealt with things my own way by living dangerously and dragging my negativity around with me everywhere. After adding the loss of my daughter when I myself was only 18 years old, things only got worse. I became a drunk, a food addict, a self-abuser, and used many Rx and non-Rx drugs to numb my pain. 😦 In recent years, I have reached out and gotten some help, and I now know that those things happened in the past, and the only way they can control my future, is if I allow them to. But I am no longer willing to just roll over and take it! In a matter of speaking.
I CHOOSE happiness!
So if you aren’t willing to at least attempt to be positive, please kindly step aside and let me be ME! And if you are looking for someone to be in your corner while you look for the positives in your life. I am here 🙂