I wrote the following in a post on Facebook, Sunday 11/27/16, after reading the article found on the link below, and having suicide once again touch my life last week. I Thank God that it was not successfully carried out and that this person has another chance at LIFE, and hopefully will
continue to fight their battle against the darkness.
This article made me think of my past. It has come up a few times lately and I think it is time to talk a little more about it. A very dark subject for this time of year, but for some, this is not a happy time. It is internal torture with the “reality” in their heads
I was only 9 when I had my worst mental breakdown. I tried to kill myself for the 2nd time. I had taken pills once and then told Mom and my stomach was pumped and I started seeing a psychologist. A few weeks later I had lost all hope and felt in my heart that I was right to try to kill myself.
I am not going into all the gory details, but I was taken away and put in a local hospital psychiatric unit. General population of adults as they did not have a children’s unit in 1981. Things honestly only got worse for me due to the things that happened to me there. But I did learn one thing. How to lie to myself and others to make sure that the any bad feelings were driven down as far as possible so that no one knew that anything was really bothering me.
After months of therapy, I finally told them that I was scared of my mother dying and me being alone, and that was why I tried to kill myself. That wasn’t exactly true, but I was tired of trying to make people understand WHY a 9 year old would want to kill herself. I too was treated differently when I went back to school. Kids were told to be nice to me. Even kids who had always been mean to me. This brought on only MORE issues and heightened my insecurities.
But I knew better than to ever let anyone see what was bothering me.
Funny, but since I became a Beachbody Coach, to try to earn MORE money and give myself MORE time, I have spent tons of time and money on Personal Development. But it has been totally worth it! I am more open about my life than ever before, in hopes that it may help someone else. I never talked to many people about it, because I was told not only to never talk about it, but to be ashamed of it. But I know better now. But as an introvert, I also understand some who still like to reach out anonymously. They just want to see that they do not have to feel ALONE in the world in their head. Even today, I have trust issues. My psychotherapist now is someone I deal with only online. But she and her programs have helped me more than ALL the therapy I received as a kid.
Just remember, if you feel alone, or like all hope of things ever getting better, or if you scoff at the notion that anyone’s life could actually be better with you in it, Chances are there are many people out there thinking the same thing. You just have to look.
I have now been on the other end of suicide, and it SUCKS! So trust me….If you are not here tomorrow, you WILL be missed! People WILL feel an empty space in their hearts that used to be filled with the love that came from your presence. You will NOT have made anyone’s life better or easier. And people who bullied or shamed you will NOT feel guilt. They are incapable of kind emotions, so you won’t have even made their day. They will forget you the second you are gone and move on to their next target.
I LOVE YOU! And I WILL miss You if you are gone!