If you know me, you know where this phase of my life started. September 2008 wearing a size 24W and quickly closing in on 300#, feeling worthless, unhealthy, in pain, full of anxiety, and like my life was never going to be any better than it was in that second. In a word, I was miserable.
It had been 10 years since my spinal fusion and I was still weak, in constant pain, taking narcotic pain killers, and numbing the rest of my physical, mental, and spiritual pain with LOTS of alcohol, chain-smoking, and binge eating!
So if THAT was Rock Bottom, WHAT IS MY CURRENT STRUGGLE ALL ABOUT???
For the time being, let’s start 5 years ago!
5 Years ago, what was going on???
It was August 2012, and I had already lost and maintained a 125#+ weight loss for more than 2.5 years. But things within my family dynamic were about to change. As an introvert, I was trying many new things. I was actually getting out the house more, and trying to make friends. But instead of things becoming more “normal”, I was making things worse. Tony and I started arguing. My Dad made it known that he felt like I was ignoring him. But I finally felt like I had “friends” and I felt good about myself. WHY SHOULDN’T I FEEL GOOD FOR A CHANGE? To say I was struggling was an understatement. I was LOST! Then an AMAZING guy came into my life! Ya’All are probably thinking, WHAT?!?!?!?!
Yes, I still LOVE my wonderful husband Tony, and that never changed! I am referring to my AMAZING friend Stace Sanchez of KICKpics.com
It has been 5 years since he took these pictures and made me feel like I MATTERED!
Like no matter what anyone else thought of me, MY hopes and dreams mattered! At the time, I had actually gained back not only 10# of muscle and dropped my BF%, but I had already at that point put on about 5# of stress weight. Over the next 5 years, that 5# has turned in to an amount I am 100% not proud of! I am on a day to day basis hovering around 200#. I am only about 35% BF, which is nowhere near the 54% that I was the last time I weighed this much, but all the same, I feel defeated a lot of the time. Main reason is that I know that some people stopped looking up to me because I gained some of the weight back! And that has made my stress grow, which only makes things worse, since my hormones are out of whack! And to be honest, I feel bullied for not being “perfect” because that is what some people think their fitness trainers/coaches should be. We are still human all have our own struggles in life.
I wish that the people who had these opinions had a REAL grasp of what it was like to be as overweight as I was all of my life. I was bullied! I was made fun of! I was TORTURED in a Catholic School! Don’t think that private school takes you away from the bullies of the outside world! They live in the private world too! Maybe more so to be blunt!
And, yes, I have thought about, and even tried, to take my life more than once during this series of screwed up messes that is my life, but each time God spared me. WHY?
I believe that it is so that I can help others who feel like they may be lost causes to find their way! Be it fitness, nutrition, or even as a friend who will listen!
SO…today, I look like THIS-
And to be honest, if I would just let all the JUNK go in my head…..I AM HAPPY!!!
I will keep trying to get my weight back under control, but FOR ME and for my health!
But for now, the following 5 things are the ONLY things I am worried about changing in my life. I think if I do that, my stress will get back under control, and I will FINALLY be able to live my life to the fullest and enjoy all of the success that I DO have in my life! ❤
MAKE TODAY GREAT!!!