Looking for…..Something

Today I am not sure WHAT to write, but I feel compelled to write something.

I have been a bit lost lately.  What does that mean?  I’m really not sure.

Many things in my life and the lives of those around me, are changing.  Change of course, is scary.  And I am no exception to this rule.  My life has been filled with some wonderful times, and some extreme lows.  I have tried to take my life when I felt I had nothing left to live for, and I have celebrated days when I felt like things were actually looking up.  Nothing is ever perfect.  I own a business(2 in fact), and I am still broke.  I am healthy and fit, and yet I am still fat.  I love my husband, yet we still argue and fight to make our relationship work every day.  I have a home that I love, but it is in such disarray, that I don’t want anyone in it.  I teach some amazing fitness and dance fitness classes that give me energy and want to do more, yet I am in constant pain.  I look forward to a bright future, yet I keep letting my past hold me back.

You see, I have lived with a feeling of worthlessness all my life.  No matter what I did right in my life, I never feel it was good enough.  If I got B’s in school, why weren’t they A’s?  If I got A’s, why weren’t they A+’s?  If I lost 148#, why not 150#?  If I knew how to lose 148#, why can’t I lose 45# NOW?  And HOW & WHY did I ALLOW myself to gain back those 45# to begin with?

I tend to be told that I am an eternal optimist.  And I AM!  Where everyone else is concerned at least.  For myself?  THAT is still under construction!   I will always try to help others the best I can, but I forget to do the same for myself.

Some of you may have noticed that you have been seeing a little bit less of me on social media lately.  That is because I am trying to give myself a little bit of rest, rehab, and healing time.  Basically cutting myself a little slack.  Yes, I still work a full-time day job 8-5, and run my studio from 6-9PM Monday-Friday, and the studio approximately 7:30AM-Noon on Saturdays.  But the times I am not at one of those 2 places or working on paperwork or practicing workout routines for the studio, is MY TIME!  And, YES, I am still a Beachbody Coach and have future plans(once I am free of injuries) to work some team building into my schedule, because at this time, my team consists only of a few coaches who are basically VIP customers with the option to be more if they so choose, but I do believe that with the right mindset and confidence, that I could make it so much more. My current team is full of loyal friends who have no desire to run a business of their own, but know the high quality of our Beachbody products, including Shakeology, and I thank God for them every day!

So, as I go forward from today, I am going to look to the future with an open mind and heart.  I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I will keep working towards my ultimate goal of helping more people like me who need the support of others to be accountable to and to help them find their way to achieve a healthier lifestyle than they are living today.

Life is a roller coaster.  I just need to enjoy the ride along the dips, twists, and turns as much as I do the climbs and the view from the tops. 🙂