Quit or Fail Forward?

I have been battling some internal struggles lately.

Are my dreams stupid?

Is it time to give them up?

Has my WHY changed?

Do I have it in me to succeed?

Am I reaching out to the wrong people?

Why did I lose so much of the support I had even a year ago?

Did I change?

Did My goals change

Did THEIR goals change?

What should I do next?

Is an 8-5 employee all I will ever be?

Do I deserve more?

Do I deserve happiness?

Am I even worthy of my hopes and dreams?

 

That last one STOPPED my thinking right in its tracks!

WHY on Earth am I questioning my WORTH?

I KNOW I am worthy of great things!

I BELIEVE that God put me here for MORE!

I BELIEVE that I do my best EVERY DAY and deserve the best to come back to me!

 

Things I have to remember:

I do not control other people’s actions!

I can not help those who don’t FEEL my message, or are simply in too negative of a mindset themselves at this moment to accept my positive mindset into their lives.

If I present a solution to someone, no matter how much I want to see them succeed, they can’t without putting in the work, and that is on them!

I know there are more people who want my help are out there!  I just need to search for a new way to find them.  Which probably means it is time for me to get UNCOMFORTABLE!

After coming this far, WHY would I Ever QUIT NOW???

If you have read this far, THANK YOU!  Thank You for listening!  Sometimes when things aren’t going as planned, I start to doubt myself.  Doubt my abilities and what I stand for.  I know that I am good at what I do!  And I know that I LOVE the fitness studio that I have built, Phoenix Fitness with Body By BrendaT, and being a Beachbody Coach, more than anything else I have ever done!  I know that if I figure out a way to reach out to the people who relate to me, that I could do great things with who I have become.  I CAN and I WILL!

Because the OLD ME tried to surface and tear me down just because something wasn’t clicking into place.  Well, the OLD ME was WEAK!  The OLD ME would let something like someone else not believing in me, break me down.

The NEW ME?  Quite Frankly, doesn’t Give a F#@K what they think!

I’m STRONGER than the beat down girl that I used to be!

I GOT THIS!

Happy Birthday, Marian!

April 10th.  The day I dread all year long.  It is the day that a quite literal piece of me went to heaven.   You see, my daughter, Marian, was born and died April 10, 1989.  The day after my 18th birthday.  Little did I know at the time, that the 5 1/2 months I spent with her would be the closest I would ever get to being a mother.  She will always be with me, but there will also always be a part of me that will grieve the loss of my child.

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As I was getting ready for work this morning, I thought WOW!  Marian would be 29 today.  I always think of her as a baby, but if she were alive today, she could quite possibly have babies of her own.  I would be a Grandma!  What a beautiful thought ❤ 

But that was not in the hand I was dealt.  I was never blessed with children.  I often wonder how different my life may have been, but I am happy now, so why dwell, right?  But I still can’t help but wonder sometimes.

Today as I am trying to get into my work, I just had to dump some thoughts and feelings so I could go on about my day.  I do still get down sometimes about not being a Mom.  I do still love babies.  I am blessed with more nieces, nephews, and great- nieces and nephews than I can count anymore that I love to pieces!  I do still have days that I don’t want to be around babies, although they are much fewer and far between these days.  Today, however, being one of them, but only because I have a TERRIBLE COLD! 😛

So, I write this blog mainly to say Happy Birthday Marian!  Mommy LOVES You!  And I will speak for the rest of the family and say, that we all wish we could have met you.  Here, once again, is Daddy’s Poem for you.

 

In Memory Of Marian

I hear the cry of a child

From far, far away

And I wonder if the crying

Is my Marian trying to say:

It’s OK, so please don’t frown,

It was not your fault at all.

Now I am sitting here in Heaven

And GOD said that I could call.

So I called to say I love you,

And I hope that you’re alright.

I hope my call won’t sadden you,

And keep you up all night.

Well, I have to go now.

Please be happy and don’t fret.

‘Cause I am sitting here on GOD’s lap

Getting the best care I can get.

 

‘Till we meet again ❤

ALL The Feels!

Let’s get REAL for a minute.  I want to talk about a really tough subject.

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I had kind of a rough weekend.  Not real sure why, besides the fact that the weather had my arthritis in full on RAGE!!!  And then came the SNOW!  In APRIL!  And I admit, that I am not fond of it to begin with, and I am so over winter.  Yes, the snow is beautiful and all that, but it makes things messy and cold and quite frankly, makes my body feel like someone has beat the Hell out of me!  My back seizes up, and every joint from my shoulders to my ankles were declaring war against my body that so wanted to move freely!

I would love to tell you that on days like yesterday, that I made it through without tears.  Didn’t happen.  And when I hurt, I get depressed.  And when I get depressed, I start thinking about things that make me even more sad.  I cry at stupid television commercials.  I even cried yesterday watching a horror film!  WTH?!?  WHY was I having these feelings?  I just wanted to NUMB OUT!  I didn’t WANT to feel like this!

That is when I knew the cycle had started!

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Depression —> Anxiety

As an introvert, I often choose to be alone.  But being alone is NOT the same thing as being lonely.  Someone with depression or anxiety can feel lonely in a crowded room.  And that kind of loneliness and sadness makes me want to GO NUMB!  And HOW do I numb the pain?  I binge eat and I drink!  A LOT!

Yesterday, because of a choice that I made nearly 3 months ago, I forced myself to ride out the pain!  I checked in with my Exclusive 80 Day Coach Test Group, and I did NOT overeat OR have that drink!  And kids…..I am not going to lie, I have an open bottle of Rum Chata and an open bottle of Fireball Whiskey staring at me tempting me EVERY DAY!  It hasn’t been easy ANY of the 78 days so far during this 93 day strict commitment, but with the positive support of a support and accountability group, I feel stronger and more positive that I CAN do it!

Do I still HAVE the crappy days?  ABSOLUTELY!  Honestly, yesterday SUCKED!!!  And it is still dragging me down today.  I had an anxiety attack this morning getting ready for work, broke down bawling putting on my makeup(which made me LATE for work), and I have this lingering feeling of sadness and feel like a complete and utter failure.  Back to the cycle?

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NO!  I made myself get up.  I made myself workout.  I made myself get in my car and drive to work.  And I MADE myself stay on track with my nutrition and MADE myself NOT HAVE A DRINK!!!

Those choices ARE mine!

But most days, I will admit, I am not strong enough to do it alone.  So, if you are like me and you need support to stay on track, I found a solution.  That is what I do as a Beachbody Coach and Personal Trainer.  I hold group classes AND I have online support and accountability groups.  Do I still need it myself?  EVERY DAY!  But being in my own support and accountability groups helps ME as much as I can help my clients and customers.  It has become my passion, because I know that feeling of making it through a day and NOT giving in to the temptations.  I know what it feels like to finally see that scale number go down, or that muscle definition come in, or to be able to shop in any store and be able to find something that fits.

I am in the midst of a comeback right now.  I got sick, gained weight, lost some confidence, and my depression–>anxiety cycle was on constant repeat.  I was drinking more than I had in over 8 years.  The stress and sadness was taking over again.  But I kept trying.  I kept pushing.  But I had changed to some degree.  And I didn’t like who I was becoming.  The darkness was returning. So I made a CHOICE!

I chose to do something SO HARD, that I was positive I couldn’t do it!  I was just sure that I would NOT succeed!  I joined this test group that is SO STRICT on workouts and nutrition and NO ALCOHOL, with every thought in the back of my head being that I could NOT do it!  But I made it through Day 1.  And then Day 2.  And then the whole 1st Phase.  Then all of a sudden, I realized I was doing this for ME because I MATTER!  My health MATTERS!  The positive outlook that I had adopted when I started my health and fitness journey in September 2008, not only mattered to me, but mattered to EVERY SINGLE PERSON that I came into contact with!  And letting other people, my surroundings, or my current situation bring darkness into my life, was NOT serving my purpose!

I still fully believe that God brought fitness into my life to be a catalyst on which to build my passion of helping others!  It took some time, but I realize now, that it isn’t about being perfectly FIT!  It is about being positive and making daily choices to do MY best!  And to always remember that I am capable of lighting my own way when I find myself sitting in the dark.  light to darknessMy happiness and light does not depend on anyone else.  Only I can make me happy through the choices I make every day!

So, although I honestly believe that you have to make the choice to be happy everyday and not let the darkness around or in you take over, sometimes we all need a little support.  The support groups I run are fitness and nutrition based, but I promise you, if you FULLY commit to helping yourself become a healthier YOU…..They can help you BE so much MORE!