We all have times when we start questioning choices we have made in our lives. And right now, I am not going to lie, is one of those times in my life. Which unfortunately, also makes me think of my past and wonder if those who said I would never be enough and would continue to fail at everything, were right. Have I internalized their words so much, that even after all these years, they will win?
I would like to believe the answer is NO. But some parts of my life are signalling differently. And as Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman, “The bad stuff is easier to believe.” When I feel like things are going great, I am skeptical. When I feel like things are going bad, my brain says, “SEE! That’s what they told you would happen. You will never be enough to get it right.”
WHY am I feeling like this right now? I look back to where I was 5-6 years ago, and things were MUCH different with my finances, my health and even the way I looked! Does the way I look thing make me egotistical, maybe, but that isn’t even why I refer to it. When asked by a friend of his, if my Dad was proud of me when I lost 148# and ran a marathon, he said, and I quote, “I’ll be proud of her if she actually keeps it off! Otherwise, it is actually just another failed attempt.” Weeeelllllll…..guess what? I didn’t keep it all off. I am still down over 90#, but I feel like a failure. And I can feel his disappointment deep inside.
It is often hard to believe in yourself when this is the demon living in your head.
But then…..I think about all that I HAVE Accomplished, despite being made to think that I would never be good enough.
I AM a Childless Mother who still gets out of bed each day.
I AM a Survivor!
And I AM ENOUGH!
I DID lose 148#!
I DID work my butt off to put on 22# of solid muscle and take my BF% down to <20%.
I DID run a marathon at 40 years old after 3 back surgeries and a spinal fusion.
I DID keep over 100# of that weight off for nearly 9 years.
I DID open a rural fitness studio and keep the doors open for nearly 2 years now despite only ONE person from my small town ever stepping foot in the door!
SO I am NOT a Failure!
Have I failed at things? ABSOLUTELY!
But I am NOT a Failure! And although sometimes I need to think about it long enough to get good and mad enough to prove people wrong to get back on track, I NEVER give up completely! Otherwise I would be as unhealthy as I was in May 2008, worrying about pre-diabetes and colon cancer, and weighing in around 296#! And if you follow me at all, you know that I still workout, I still eat well most of the time, and I hurt myself the most by not resting enough! THAT is a big one that I am working on now! Sleep and downtime!
So, in summary, this blog post was simply my way of talking to myself back into caring about and believing in myself enough to keep going. Sometimes, life gets you down. You just have to make sure you are strong enough to get back up no matter what!