The current course I am working on to further my career as an NASM Certified Personal Trainer and Group Specialist, is to me, the equivalent of a sports and fitness psych class. And I am finding it VERY interesting, since I can relate to the subject matter personally. I am going to share some of my fall after my rise several years ago, and the start of me digging myself back out of the ashes to once again rise up and find my mental toughness!
If you have been following me for awhile, you know that there are times that my self-worth and confidence are not my strong suits. In my life I have dealt with bullying, personal trauma, mental issues, and never feeling good enough. I have had to dig deep and find some mental toughness just to get through the day.
Problem with all that is that it’s from my PAST! I can’t change what happened then. And worrying about it and continuously living in that space has not served me very well. I have been, to be honest, on most days of my life, miserable. Yep, I’ve hated my life and even more often, I hated myself.
I work on self-confidence constantly. You may have even heard me say this all before. I’ve done workshops. I have even talked to a shrink online even though most of you are aware of my “not great” view of shrinks due to the lovely pieces of shit quacks that I had as a kid. I’ve read countless self-improvement and personal development books. And each time I would think, YES! That was the one! That was my answer! Just to wake the next day and feel like crap about myself again. No words from doctors, books, friends, strangers, seminar leaders, none of them ever stuck with me for more than a day, IF I ever implemented any of their words into my life at all.
I have always been a “smile no matter what” kind of person. Look for that freaking silver lining in everything. You know what? It’s not always there. And I am learning that that too is OK. It is ok to not be ok. It is ok to have a little darkness in you. A little anger. Because you can go through something that even though it wasn’t a good thing, it DID help shape who you are.
Someone said to me a couple weeks ago after reading some of my recent poetry, “You kept your anger in check….Don’t. They don’t like your anger…fu@k em. It’s real. Let it out.” (and if you’re reading this, Thanks, been thinking on that a lot). Since that conversation, I seem to have a new confidence brewing. I have noticed that I have stopped dwelling on things I cannot control and even a few things that I am not yet ready to deal with, and just live my life as authentic and genuine as I can. The good, bad, and ugly!
And due to that new confidence, I have started sharing different parts of my life lately, both here in my blog and on my Facebook Page. MAN have I lost followers! lol! And two years, hell, possibly two months or even two weeks ago, that would have sent me right back to posting rainbows and fluffy kittens. Don’t get me wrong, I DO like that stuff too, but it’s not all of me, and I am tired of holding back the REAL. And if someone doesn’t want to see all of me, that’s ok. They are simply not my people. And I am going to stop trying to please the wrong people and I know the right ones will find me. Some of them already have.
SO…I know that may have felt off topic of the title of this post, but it wasn’t. This course talks a lot about Focus and Confidence. That is two things I have been missing the last few years. In my work, in my personal life, with my health, and especially with my nutrition and getting control of my weight back. Menopause and hormones and steroids for illness and injuries and depression may have all had something to do with it, but it comes down to ME! And it is time for ME to get my focus and confidence in myself back on track and get control over what I can control. I miss being that confident chick I was becoming until my world tilted several years ago and I lost a little focus and then the spiral took hold.
Well, Kids, my charts and schedules and planners are coming back out. It may take time for me to implement everything, since I have MORE in my life now. A FT job PLUS a business business to run, PLUS the wonderful new adventure working with Hunter’s Prospects, taking these two courses, AND writing again!
Yes, it seems like a lot, but I got this. I like to be busy.