I have something important to talk about tonight. Yes, I started this way too late, but I am just going to let it spill and see if it all makes sense in the end.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. But I tend to do that a lot, right? Well I have been revising the subject of self acceptance. As many of you know, I have read countless self help and personal development books, and some of them did scratch the surface. But nothing ever made me feel truly OK with ME. Let alone love who I am. Especially in my current skin.
See, when I was younger, I was morbidly obese. I topped out weighing nearly 300# I had been through 3 back surgeries and had a lumbar spinal fusion. I had all but given up hope. When I was 37, I decided to make one more last ditch effort! And as many of you who read this blog know, it worked!
Then life happened. Dad got sick. Home life got stressed. I started to go through menopause at 42. I opened a business(MORE STRESS). Work got SUPER stressful. Dad died. Injuries happened. And then I got sick and went through 3 rounds of steroids in less than 2 months. Now, even though I still workout 5-6 days a week, and eat fairly healthy, I can not seem to drop the weight, and it has been wearing on me. And my self-esteem has been in the toilet for a couple of years now.
2020 may have been a shit year in MANY ways, but it also brought me to the group of people, including the two amazing men who brought this group together. Yes, I am talking about Hunter Holmes and Dark Angel. The two authors whose best selling and award winning books and works you see me sharing all the time.
And even recently announced that I was added as a member of Hunter’s Street Team. See our amazing new banner that the talented Kristina Simkins designed!
Hunter has spoken several times in the group about caring and loving yourself. That accepting who you are inside and out is the first step of not only loving yourself, but showing trust in those who tell you that you are beautiful and who love and cherish you. And without that, you are doing a disservice to not only yourself, but to those who care about you. When you have been put down because of your weight most of your life, it can be hard to ever see yourself as anything but worthless, fat, and ugly. The way Hunter laid it all out and the way he put some things that I had heard put differently hundreds of times before just clicked. And he REALLY made me think.
Soon after H’s last discussion on the subject, I was reading one of DA’s poetry books and went back to one of my favorites over and over. It is called Acceptance. It is actually from his BDSM Poetry Volume 1 book. I had a discussion with DA about it, because although I do not live the LS, I really wanted the poem written out for me in the beautiful way that he does. This is a picture of my copy, and as you can see, it has DA’s copywrite and is numbered. I got #1 of this one. You can get a preview of the book by clicking the Amazon link in the picture.
But I think whether you are in the LS or not is not the point of the poem. EVERY woman with ‘acceptance of self’ issues should have to read this daily. Seriously, if I could, I would put it on my bathroom mirror to make sure I never missed a day of reading it to remind me that enough people have treated(treat) me badly in my life. I don’t need to be one of them! I need to accept ME!
The pain is harsh. And even thoughI DID lose the excess weight once, I STILL hated myself because the one I wanted to care most, couldn’t. So as it came back, I grieved. I grieved that I was once again becoming what I hated most. What I was teased and bullied about the most. I was once again “fat and ugly”.
But…I’m not! Yes, I HAVE excess weight, Yes, I will never be a pageant queen. Yes, I may still make a lot of mistakes in my life.
But as my new friend Katie is helping me remember(Thanks Girl!), I AM in fact a Badass! And I AM beautiful! And yes, that is still hard to type, let alone say, but I am starting to accept who and what I am. Does that mean I will suddenly accept ALL of me and live a happier life? Not sure about that just yet, but I am working through it. But no matter what, I will no longer let anyone-INCLUDING ME- make me feel less than I am! Because I F-ing Rock