I talk a lot about the Phoenix. I have referred to it many times in many ways during my journey. Rising up from darkness of many parts of my life. After my childhood issues that some of you know about, but that is not what I am here to talk about today. Again after I lost Marian. I wanted to die. I couldn’t fathom a greater pain. But I made it through and I rose up again. The next few years of disastrous relationships and looking for love in all the wrong places. And still I rose up. Started a promising career in nursing, just to be injured to the point that I had to quit nursing and had to leave a job I loved to spend the next two years going through 2 surgeries, and countless hours of appointments with specialists and physical therapy. But did they do me any good? Just when I thought I was finally recovering, I went back down harder. Lumbar/sacro spinal fusion was the answer. I was desperate for some happiness. Then my Mom, my best friend, died 6 weeks before my wedding.
By 37, I had ballooned up to nearly 300#. I was so unhealthy that my doctor told me I better do something, or I was going to be laying next to my Mom in no time. Well, most of us know how that one went. I lost 148# and did some pretty incredible things. But along the way, something got askew. I lost me. Then I lost my Dad. Then I thought I had found my answer when I opened up my dream studio. But I struggle with it constantly. I love it, but sometimes I question if the good I am doing outweighs the stress. And then we have my personal life. I won’t even start with that mass of emotions here today.
Lately I have been floundering. I needed something. What? I had no idea. I started reading a lot. Don’t think I am getting all philosophical on you or anything, they were mostly steamy romance and mild erotica books. lol! But that lead me to something I wasn’t expecting. Friends. A community. A couple of mentors of sorts. Even though they may or may not know I feel that about them. And both in the same yet quite different ways. Of course, they are pretty freaking smart, so my guess is they do. These two men were not expected in my life. If you know me, it may surprise you to know that two of the people who would finally make me see that I can love myself and find self acceptance live a very different lifestyle than anyone I have ever met. But through the acceptance of this totally judgement free community, that I am still trying to figure out exactly how I fit into-but somehow I just do, I have found just that.
Along with them, I have found a friend who is unlike any friend I have ever had. We just fit. It’s like I have known her my whole life. And tonight as we talked, it was like I had an emotional breakthrough. I have been so unhappy. So lost. Looking for something to make me happy. Between the three of them, they have made me see that what will make me happy is to just be ME. That I don’t have to be something else for anyone else. The people who really care will be there because they feel and and are drawn to my energy. They feed from the love and energy I radiate naturally. I feel I can express myself freely for the first time, maybe ever. And if someone doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, then I am not talking to them.
When you feel acceptance, you can accept yourself. Your energy will flow and you will allow yourself to be your true, genuine self. It’s raw. It’s emotional. They won’t tell you what you want to hear when the opposite is what you need to hear. They tell you to be you and do what is right for you. Even if it isn’t the easiest path.
And I LOVE them for it. They accept my dark. They accept my light. They accept the fact that I am a goofy dork! They accept that I am an emotional mess. And that I let those emotions out. And that I am brave enough to trust them with the good, bad, and the ugly. I feel their acceptance, and it has helped me feel acceptance of myself. I will never be perfect, so I need to just stop stressing about it and live the life I deserve to live. Often in darkness you finally find the light. The darkness can make you whole.
So once again, I am finding myself rising up after feeling like I had been burned to the ground.
But Again I ROSE!
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