OK, before you ask, NO, there is not someone new in my life.
I am talking about ME. I have been numbing and hiding for too long again. Some parts of my life has made me not value myself for several years now, and it is exhausting to hate myself this much!
The man, who many of us lovingly call, Bossman, Hunter Holmes, asked in his readers’ group yesterday, “What is Your Poison?” He posted a picture of a shaman, and it said :
A Shaman when asked “What is poison?” His answer was, “Anything beyond what we need is poison. It can be power, laziness, food, ego, ambition, vanity, fear, anger or whatever.” So I thought about what I have in me that is in a toxic excess. And I am sad to say that my answer was Lack of Self-Worth.
Well, that got me to thinking. And yes, we all know how dangerous that is. I have let so much go since having covid. I am basically recovered now, and need to take better control. Cardio is still a bit tough, so I decided to start with a heavy lifting program. And all I am going to say about Day 1 is, DAMN! I started with legs to get them out of the way, but I am in a Squat Challenge(HOSTING the challenge actually lol), so I have more to do this week. Anyway, back to my point.
I am not doing this to punish myself because I have let things slide. I am not doing this because I am once again hitting obese levels on the BMI charts. I am not even doing this because I feel like I am totally without worth.
In fact, totally the opposite. I deserve better than how I talk to myself. I deserve better than the sadness and lack of love I have felt the past several years. I deserve MORE because I am worthy of MORE. And it has to start with ME! So, I am trying to save my marriage. I am trying to decide if my business is financially worth saving. I am starting new responsibilities at my job. I am on an elite street team for 2 authors that I feel passionate about helping however I can. And I am really enjoying writing again.
So how do I do all of that and work on loving myself? A big part of loving myself is my Me Time, which is spent working out to be the best me I can be physically. My soul is more at peace when my body is at peace, and right now it is fighting itself. I want to help others see that “Can’t” should not be part of our vocabulary.
Will I give anything up? Probably not. I just need to learn to manage my time a little better, and do a few things like author/book pimping a bit quicker without getting sucked into the Facebook black hole, and maybe cutting my blog posts back to 2-3 times a week instead of trying to get 4-6 in. However, this may inspire more ideas, so we’ll see where I end up.
Fresh start? New Love? Yes to both. I am giving my relationship with myself new life. I don’t know how much of this I will share at first, because I do my best work when no one is paying attention. My health must come first and foremost. I will prove to myself that I am worthy of anything I desire, and other people’s actions towards me and opinions of me, are really of no concern to me.
But first –
You said I am worthless
You said I am ugly
You said I am undeserving of happiness
You said I am unlovable
You said I am cold
You said I am too hot tempered
You said I my sins are unforgiveable
You said my past will always haunt me
You said I deserve the pain
You said I can never be more than I am right now
You said I failed
You said I was a failure
You are Me
I say I am worthy
I say I am beautiful
I say I deserve all the happiness in the world
I say I am full of love and will be loved back
I say I am a warm caring person
I say I can control that if I get out of certain situations
I say my past is my memories-good and bad-but not my present or my future
I say I deserve to breathe freely
I say I deserve to feel amazing and be healthy
I say I can do and be more
I say I learned
I say I am NOT DONE!