Searching

Quiet at first.
Sweet smiles to hide the sadness
Pleasant words to mask the war within
I’m good at this part.
But it is time to get to work
Trying to make sense of the tangle in my head
Self hate lingers like a fog
Then came the question…
“What do YOU want?”
Frozen in fear
Fear of answering wrong
Is there a wrong?
Inadequacy come rushing in
What if what I want in displeasing to others?
Honest answer?
I simply don’t know.
What I want has never been top priority
Only what I “should” do or be
The tears pool in my glassy eyes
I feel the security cloak slip
Judgement
Fear
Anger
Trepidation
Will I ever believe I am enough?
Am I capable of loving me?
Can I find myself under the disguise I wear?
Am I even still in there anymore?
Looking for a beacon in the dark
A glimmer of hope
Small as a grain of sand on the head of a pin
I will continue to try
For me
And as much as I hate it
I will be back on the couch next week
Looking for light in my darkness

Boo 9-24-21

Featured Photo by Bryan P.M on Unsplash