April 10th.  The day I dread all year long.  It is the day that a quite literal piece of me went to heaven.   You see, my daughter, Marian, was born and died April 10, 1989.  The day after my 18th birthday.  Little did I know at the time, that the 5 1/2 months I spent with her would be the closest I would ever get to being a mother.  She will always be with me, but there will also always be a part of me that will grieve the loss of my child.

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I thought WOW!  Marian would be 29 today.  I always think of her as a baby, but if she were alive today, she could quite possibly have babies of her own.  I would be a Grandma!  What a beautiful thought ❤ 

But that was not in the hand I was dealt.  I was never blessed with children.  I often wonder how different my life may have been, but I am happy now, so why dwell, right?  But I still can’t help but wonder sometimes.

Today as I am trying to get into my work, I just had to dump some thoughts and feelings so I could go on about my day.  I do still get down sometimes about not being a Mom.  I do still love babies.  I am blessed with more nieces, nephews, and great- nieces and nephews than I can count anymore that I love to pieces!  I do still have days that I don’t want to be around babies, although they are much fewer and far between these days.  Today, however, being one of them, but only because I have a TERRIBLE COLD! 😛

So, I write this blog mainly to say Happy Birthday Marian!  Mommy LOVES You!  And I will speak for the rest of the family and say, that we all wish we could have met you.  Here, once again, is Daddy’s Poem for you.

In Memory Of Marian

I hear the cry of a child

From far, far away

And I wonder if the crying

Is my Marian trying to say:

It’s OK, so please don’t frown,

It was not your fault at all.

Now I am sitting here in Heaven

And GOD said that I could call.

So I called to say I love you,

And I hope that you’re alright.

I hope my call won’t sadden you,

And keep you up all night.

Well, I have to go now.

Please be happy and don’t fret.

‘Cause I am sitting here on GOD’s lap

Getting the best care I can get.

‘Till we meet again ❤

Let’s get REAL for a minute.  I want to talk about a really tough subject.

I had kind of a rough weekend.  Not real sure why, besides the fact that the weather had my arthritis in full on RAGE!!!  And then came the SNOW!  In APRIL!  And I admit, that I am not fond of it to begin with, and I am so over winter.  Yes, the snow is beautiful and all that, but it makes things messy and cold and quite frankly, makes my body feel like someone has beat the Hell out of me!  My back seizes up, and every joint from my shoulders to my ankles were declaring war against my body that so wanted to move freely!

I would love to tell you that on days like yesterday, that I made it through without tears.  Didn’t happen.  And when I hurt, I get depressed.  And when I get depressed, I start thinking about things that make me even more sad.  I cry at stupid television commercials.  I even cried yesterday watching a horror film!  WTH?!?  WHY was I having these feelings?  I just wanted to NUMB OUT!  I didn’t WANT to feel like this!

That is when I knew the cycle had started!

Depression —> Anxiety

As an introvert, I often choose to be alone.  But being alone is NOT the same thing as being lonely.  Someone with depression or anxiety can feel lonely in a crowded room.  And that kind of loneliness and sadness makes me want to GO NUMB!  And HOW do I numb the pain?  I binge eat and I drink!  A LOT!

Yesterday, because of a choice that I made nearly 3 months ago, I forced myself to ride out the pain!  I checked in with my Exclusive 80 Day Coach Test Group, and I did NOT overeat OR have that drink!  And kids…..I am not going to lie, I have an open bottle of Rum Chata and an open bottle of Fireball Whiskey staring at me tempting me EVERY DAY!  It hasn’t been easy ANY of the 78 days so far during this 93 day strict commitment, but with the positive support of a support and accountability group, I feel stronger and more positive that I CAN do it!

Do I still HAVE the crappy days?  ABSOLUTELY!  Honestly, yesterday SUCKED!!!  And it is still dragging me down today.  I had an anxiety attack this morning getting ready for work, broke down bawling putting on my makeup(which made me LATE for work), and I have this lingering feeling of sadness and feel like a complete and utter failure.  Back to the cycle?

NO!  I made myself get up.  I made myself workout.  I made myself get in my car and drive to work.  And I MADE myself stay on track with my nutrition and MADE myself NOT HAVE A DRINK!!!

Those choices ARE mine!

But most days, I will admit, I am not strong enough to do it alone.  So, if you are like me and you need support to stay on track, I found a solution.  That is what I do as a Beachbody Coach and Personal Trainer.  I hold group classes AND I have online support and accountability groups.  Do I still need it myself?  EVERY DAY!  But being in my own support and accountability groups helps ME as much as I can help my clients and customers.  It has become my passion, because I know that feeling of making it through a day and NOT giving in to the temptations.  I know what it feels like to finally see that scale number go down, or that muscle definition come in, or to be able to shop in any store and be able to find something that fits.

I am in the midst of a comeback right now.  I got sick, gained weight, lost some confidence, and my depression–>anxiety cycle was on constant repeat.  I was drinking more than I had in over 8 years.  The stress and sadness was taking over again.  But I kept trying.  I kept pushing.  But I had changed to some degree.  And I didn’t like who I was becoming.  The darkness was returning. So I made a CHOICE!

I chose to do something SO HARD, that I was positive I couldn’t do it!  I was just sure that I would NOT succeed!  I joined this test group that is SO STRICT on workouts and nutrition and NO ALCOHOL, with every thought in the back of my head being that I could NOT do it!  But I made it through Day 1.  And then Day 2.  And then the whole 1st Phase.  Then all of a sudden, I realized I was doing this for ME because I MATTER!  My health MATTERS!  The positive outlook that I had adopted when I started my health and fitness journey in September 2008, not only mattered to me, but mattered to EVERY SINGLE PERSON that I came into contact with!  And letting other people, my surroundings, or my current situation bring darkness into my life, was NOT serving my purpose!

I still fully believe that God brought fitness into my life to be a catalyst on which to build my passion of helping others!  It took some time, but I realize now, that it isn’t about being perfectly FIT!  It is about being positive and making daily choices to do MY best!  And to always remember that I am capable of lighting my own way when I find myself sitting in the dark.  My happiness and light does not depend on anyone else.  Only I can make me happy through the choices I make every day!

So, although I honestly believe that you have to make the choice to be happy everyday and not let the darkness around or in you take over, sometimes we all need a little support.  The support groups I run are fitness and nutrition based, but I promise you, if you FULLY commit to helping yourself become a healthier YOU…..They can help you BE so much MORE!

I have been repeatedly reminded lately, that the more you share with people what a TRUE mess you are, the more people realize you are human and are more approachable.  People who know about things I have been through in my past, say things to me like, “You are amazing!”, “How did you get through all of THAT and still come out with a positive attitude?”, or “You are SO strong!  I could never do what you have done.”

Honestly, I have to take it day by day.  Sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute!  And when I look around and see what others go through, I really don’t think I have a lot to complain about.  It really has been a pretty good life overall, with a few REALLY CRAPPY things thrown in to make me stronger.  I have definitely been through some rough spots, but I figure there was something to learn, because I am still alive.  Life is rarely easy, but as the saying goes, “Most things that are worth it, are rarely easy!”

Most people don’t follow me and want to work with me just because I have lost 148# in the past.  Honestly, I would say more of the people who want to work with me, do so because I am not ashamed or afraid to tell you that I still have struggles.  That right now I am FAR FROM my lowest weight of 149#!  That I am going through menopause and that MENOPAUSE SSSUUUUUCCCKKKKSSSS!!!!  That I still battle daily pain and keep going anyway!  And that I have no intention of quitting just because right now I am not the best ever version of me IN ONE WAY!  I AM however, stronger than I was yesterday both physically AND mentally!  I have done a LOT of soul searching through this process(I have not had an alcoholic beverage or cheated on my meal plan even once in the last 73 days!), which also means I have spent a lot of time alone.  Some may not understand the journey I am on right now, but they don’t have to.  They just have to respect it as mine.  I am still me and I work hard every day to be MY best and help others do the same, but I had some stuff to work through.  And then we have the whole sudden death of the best cat in the world to throw me into more stress, but I am still going strong!

If you follow me on IG ( @bodybybrendat ) or Facebook (Body By BrendaT ), you know that the reason for all of this recent soul searching has been that I have been doing 80 Day Obsession in an Exclusive Team Beachbody Coaches’ Test Group.  And since this is MY blog, I am going to take a few lines here at the end of this post to celebrate some things and smash some people’s crappy opinions about me not getting the results that I should be, so I must be cheating!

1 – I have lost 20#.

2 – I am now wearing 3 pairs of pants that would not go up over my wide hips 2 months ago.

3 – I deal with pain EVERY DAY anyway, so it might as well come from lifting heavy weights! 😉

4 – I am PROUD of myself!

5 – This is the first REAL progress I have seen since starting my battle against out of control cortisol levels and Adrenal Fatigue almost 2 years ago!

6 – I have learned that stress, especially prolonged stress, can cause weight gain!  And that resetting your body AFTER stress can take time!  And that being patient and not giving in to a self-loathing mindset is HARD!  But worth it if you can just find enough positivity to surround yourself with to make a go of it!

7 – And I am learning, even though I have “known” it forever, that Comparison IS the thief of Joy!  I am not having the same progress that some of the others in the Test Group are having, and I admit that sometimes I let that discourage me. But I continue on my path and do my best to trust the process.  I have been battling some issues for a long time, and some new stress still worked its way in to this chapter of my story, but I deal with it as best I know how(right way OR wrong), and move forward.  Having ANY progress at this point is a miracle to me since I have been stuck for SO LONG!

So, I WILL celebrate MY progress!  I WILL stick to MY journey!  And YES, as always, I welcome EVERYONE to join me.  We can be on our own journeys TOGETHER!  And POSITIVE support helps.  I was lucky enough to be part of a group that is full of the support that I needed at this time.  And I would love to be that support for you! ❤

In fact, I have a support and accountability group that I would love to add you to so that we can help each other as we work towards our goals!

Message me at bodybybrendat@outlook.com for details of what you need to do next if you want in! 🙂

15 Years since I heard your laugh.

15 Years since I hugged you last.

15 years since I saw your face.

15 years since you left this place.

15 years ago a hole in my heart went dark.

15 years ago I saw just how much you left your mark.

15 years ago I questioned God’s reasoning.

!5 years ago I realized you would miss my wedding.

15 years have passed since you left my side.

15 Years have passed since I laid you to rest in your dress that you were to wear as Mother of the Bride.

15 Years have passed since I received a call that would change my life forever.

15 Years have passed since you left for your home with our Savior.

I just want you to know that I still miss you every day.  And that I pray that I make you proud of me in Everything I do.  I am better for having known you and even if we were not Mother and Daughter, I still would have wanted to be Your Friend!

I Love You Mom! ❤

People often ask me, “What MOTIVATES you to do what you do?”

“What makes you want to get up at 5AM, to do hour long workouts when you are going to be teaching fitness classes that evening?”

And my favorite, “WHY do you do it?”

My answer, “Because I am not dead yet.”

There will always be a new goal.  Most people’s lives are not lived in a straight line.  There are twists and turns, ups and downs, sometimes full on downward spirals!  But you have to work through them.  There really is no other choice.  I had to learn VERY young that life was not always going to be sunshine and rainbows.  You have to see the light at the end of the tunnel and RUN!  Run as fast as you can towards the light!  Sometimes the light is deceiving, and takes you backwards, but you learn that until you are where you want to be, you must keep looking for YOUR light!

So where am I at NOW?

The last 7+ weeks have been hard!  I’m not going to lie and say that they haven’t been.  I am striving to do my very best while participating in a Beachbody Coaches Exclusive Test Group for 80 Day Obsession.  The only workouts I missed was when I was down with the flu and couldn’t stay awake for more than 20-30 minutes at a time for 3-4 days!  But I jumped back in after I rested my body and got right back to it!  I would have let that kill my fire in the past, but NOT THIS TIME!

I am determined to see what I can do with this program!  I am determined that going back to this type of program, is going to be what “fixes” me. You see, I have been fighting adrenal fatigue and getting my nutrition back on track in a BALANCED way for a long time.  I have experimented with so many other “Nutrition Plans”, the fads, the restrictive, the ones that take away whole food groups, you name it.  They weren’t for ME!  I am not saying that they won’t work for anyone, I am saying that they don’t work for me!  So all I can teach and advise on, is what I believe works best, which for me, is losing at a moderate pace with proper nutrition and exercise.

So WHY did I stray from this way of eating in the first place, you ask???  Because after going back to a few bad habits and going through some stress and depression that took my focus elsewhere, I decided to test some of the popular theories, and I ended up screwing up my metabolism so bad, that it has now taken over a year to get it fired back up!  And going back to fueling my body with good clean foods in a balanced way is simply what works for me!  Am I dropping HUGE amounts of weight and reaching my goal in record time?  Nope.  And I am fine with that!  I am almost 47 years old, have had hormone and weight issues for most of my life, and menopause is not making things any easier! But I keep going.  I could use it as an excuse, but where is that excuse going to get me?  I am at times depressed, cranky, and bloated, in pain most of the time, and I work long hours.  But I want to be better.  So I WORK to make it better!  Because I know the one sure fire way to never see progress, is to do nothing!

So, my Call To Action for you is this –

If you are ready, SERIOUSLY READY, to work on your health and nutrition, whether you are local to me and want to come to Phoenix Fitness with Body By BrendaT, or work with me online through a Beachbody program, I am here to help!  The nutrition program that I am going to put you on will be the same!  To get the BEST results, you need the total package-

1 -A Fitness Program

2-A Nutrition Plan

3-Accountability

And yes, I will expect a commitment to ALL THREE!

Does that mean you never get to have a day off from exercise, or a drink out with friends, or a slice of pizza again???

Absolutely NOT!  But I will expect the level of commitment for the level of results you desire!

SO, What are your GOALS?

Email me at bodybybrendat@outlook.com so you can join me on this journey as soon as today!

GUILTY!

Yup!  I am GUILTY of having a BAD ATTITUDE!

And it has been wearing on me. Usually, I try my best to be the one who brings others up all the time, but as the saying goes, attitudes ARE contagious!  So if you find yourself surrounded by cranky, negative Eeyores too much, it can start to rub off.  That recently happened to me.  Tension at work, tension at home, tension on the news, tensions EVERYWHERE I turned, so it seemed.  Nothing just felt positive and HAPPY!  And I felt it taking a toll.  I felt a darkness creeping back into my soul that I had not felt in a long time.  It was sadness. Bitterness. Loneliness. Depression. FEAR!

Tuesday, someone called me out!  She basically told me to stop feeding the negativity!  That I was giving it power by sharing it with the world through posts on my Facebook Page that were WAY more dark than I have posted since she knew me.  I am human.  I do go through rough patches, and I do unfortunately have a tender heart and get my feelings hurt easily.  But in the past several years, I have trained myself to try my best to shrug it off and look at the bright side of things.  Lately it had become harder and harder to see ANY light.

As I teeter back and forth on the verge of menopause, and fighting adrenal fatigue for the past 18 months or so, I have grown increasingly upset with what is going on in my body!  I worked so hard to get where I was, just to have something FLIP inside me and make me gain 35# in about 8 weeks???  WTH?   Seriously, I felt betrayed! I was STILL working hard, so WHY?!?!?  And the thing about betrayal, is once you feel that way about one thing, it can start to creep into your head and really mess with your thoughts about other things.

But ALL who know me will be happy to hear that I am making conscious effort to turn it all around!  I hope that my positive attitude will once again return and help myself and others see the wonderful things that ARE HAPPENING, even though our world is being portrayed as only darkness lately.  It is hard to remember when we see kids killing kids and future generations needing a “safe space” to avoid growing up and taking any responsibility for what is happening in their world.  It is scary!  I get it!  BUT…..There is no “safe space” to hide out here in the real world.  There will be ups and there will be downs, but if you choose to not be a productive member of society, then you need to stop expecting society to take care of you.

Find something positive and focus on that!  There ARE good people and good things happening in this world, you just have to look farther than the drama of social media or the five o’clock news.  And remember that ONLY You can make YOU happy!  Stop relying on your parent, sibling, spouse, kids, trainer, life coach, etc to do it for you.  Some of them may offer things that will add to your happiness, but you have to decide to be happy first.  You have to realize deep in your core, that no matter what “they” do, that it is what YOU do that defines who and what YOU are. ❤

I challenge you to go look in a mirror right now and say I AM WORTHY OF GREAT THINGS!

Then Share that Ish with EVERYONE! 🙂

MAKE TODAY GREAT!!!