Be The Light You Are Looking For

It has not only been the struggle with my weight that I have been fighting recently.  I have been having some heart ripping struggles from within and some from external sources that have been tearing me apart.  I actually said to someone today that maybe the only way to protect my heart is to become a Heartless B!^@#.

But that just isn’t ME!  I am a loving person who wears her heart on her sleeve, maybe a little too often.  I feel guilty for having “bad days” because I feel I shouldn’t ever have bad days!  But you know what?  I have them!  And even though I can slap a big old fake smile on with the best of them, when someone says something hurtful to me, I HURT!  To the core!  I have had confidence problems from some pretty LOUSY things that were done and said to me as a child, and still struggle with acceptance.  From others AND of MYSELF!

Some who don’t understand what I have been going through keep pushing me to get past it and keep myself busy with work and anything else to keep my mind off of my problems.  But that doesn’t make the problems go away.  That doesn’t make the feelings magically GO AWAY!

Then I reflected back to my work over the last month with Dr Mcayla, and that I should NOT suppress my feelings, but to embrace them, feel them, deal with them.  They are MINE!  They are not wrong.  If I am hurt, I can feel that hurt.  If I am sad, I am allowed to be sad.  If I am angry, I CAN be angry.  And if I feel I have been wronged, that it is not my job to make the person who wronged me feel better.

But right now, what I feel is TIRED!  I am tired of living in this darkness.  Just when I thought it was all starting to fade away, my heart is breaking again!  But as I listened to my next session this morning on clarity, I realized that it is only my responsibility to make my own light.  And one way for me to do that is to continue to love and be loved and to realize that not everyone is going to like me and that is OK.  It is on me to make Me happy, and if I can share some of that happiness with even one other person, than I am doing what God put me here to do.  And those who choose to not see my light and its worth in the darkness, then that’s OK too.  Not everyone is meant to be in everyone else’s life.  We are all different, and if I am not someone’s cup of tea, it really is OK!  And I should not change to be something else that someone else wants, just as I should not expect them to change to please me.

light to darkness

Love. Peace. And Fitness!

MAKE today GREAT!!!

Facebook Body By BrendaT

IG and Twitter @bodybybrendat

#Empower #Strength #SelfLove #SelfConfidence #WarriorGoddess #PunchFearInTheFace #YouAreBeautiful #BeYourOwnLight



Each time I come across this picture, I just cringe. It makes me sick to my stomach.
Because I actually see my face on this little girl  😦

One of my earliest memories of my self loathing body image, was going to my pediatrician when I was 5 or 6. He would poke me in the belly and say to my mom, “Brenda getting a little too chubby. Need to put on diet or she will be massive fat adult!” This is exactly how he would say it. English was not his first language, he was from India. And I LOVED his family. They were our neighbors. At his house, his wife would make us these wonderful treats from their country. And they always had rock candy! Great for the “fat kid” of the neighborhood to always be the one that doctor would NOT let have the candy.

But I would dream about being beautiful. I would look at pictures of women in magazines, and dream that “one day”…..

Today, I still catch myself doing the same damn thing! Even though I KNOW in my heart that it is wrong! Even though I know beauty comes from within! Even though I know that it is our actions that truly make us beautiful. And Even though I know about all the touch ups, makeup, contouring, and photo shopping, and plain and simple, that…



It admit that it is still a difficult road that I stroll down from time to time, and I hope and pray that as I publicly share my journey(the good, bad, and ugly) down this road that I shed light on the reality of the fact that being fit, healthy, and BEAUTIFUL have nothing to do with the size of your F-ing Skinny Jeans!
I am not saying that wanting to lose weight for health and to look and feel better is bad, but PLEASE remember that it is not what DEFINES beauty! I am in the fitness industry, and although many are only focused on being skinny, there is a MUCH GREATER MESSAGE that many of us share that is way above and beyond “skinny”! Being your BEST YOU! No matter what that is or looks like!

The most eye pleasing woman in the world can still be ugly, by her actions, or simply by opening her mouth!

But the mirror is still my arch nemesis! It taunts me! It distorts all that is within and focuses only on the overweight, ugly outside that I see. But I am healthy. I am fit. WHY do I still let this object define me in my head? Why do I only focus on what I see as flaws instead of the wonderful progress I have made since I was that chubby little girl who saw nothing but a worthless, sad, lonely, fat girl looking out from her mirror.

My point of this post, is to please not only watch what and how you say things to your children, but watch how you talk about yourself in front of them. If they know that you disgust yourself for being overweight, if they too have a weight problem, they will also think that they are disgusting to you.

You ARE Beautiful!

purple rose you are beautiful

And flaws and all, So Am I!

MAKE today GREAT!!!

Facebook Body By BrendaT

IG and Twitter @bodybybrendat

#Empower #Strength #SelfLove #SelfConfidence #WarriorGoddess #PunchFearInTheFace #YouAreBeautiful

Self Love!

be my friend

I saw this picture today, and is SCREAMED at me!  I am doing some work on myself to help with my body image issues.  I just started working with Dr Macayla Sarno, and this program feels like it may finally be “the thing” that is going to help me get past this.  I believe in unconditional self love.  Heck, I PREACH it CONSTANTLY!  I refuse to let my friends, students, clients, customers, etc call themselves demeaning names!  But when it comes to myself, even after all the progress I have achieved, I still see an unhealthy, unfit,  nearly 300# woman in my mirror.  And I am not going to lie, it is sometimes hard to be nice to her.

There has been a lot of Body Shaming talk going around lately. Like that dippy broad who thinks she is a comedian that thought her ABOVE AND BEYOND RUDE way of approaching “fat people” was going to make them suddenly realize that they are fat and have lose weight and take care of themselves! Because we all know it is “All about the Twinkie!” RIGHT? 😛 

And the chubby women who see the naturally thin women who if you asked them, would likely say, “I can’t gain weight. I have nutritional deficiencies. OR I can’t build enough muscle to protect my bones to save my life!” But we judge what we don’t know, so we tell them to, “Go Eat A Sandwich!”
I admit it, I have done this one. It is in all honesty, PURE JEALOUSY that I have never been able to get and stay thin in my entire life!

And don’t get me wrong, at this moment, I am not fat shaming myself, because I am finally “getting it”! Sure, I am a little “fluffier” than I would like to be right now, but I am fit, and I am happy, and I am healthier than I have ever been in my life! Did I ever tell you that at 14 years old, I went to a Free Cholesterol Screening with my Mom, and mine was exactly 200?!?

Back to my point!

We need to get past this body shaming! Of each other, yes! But even more importantly, of OURSELVES! You are the only person you live with 24 hours a day! You NEED to be your biggest cheerleader! Being the hateful, negative voice in your head, blocks you from allowing love, positivity, and sharing that you would otherwise do freely, if only you could see all the beauty that your insides leak out onto your outsides! That is what other people see!

They don’t see the muffin top. They don’t see the jiggly thighs. They don’t see the loose skin, stretch marks, or scars left over from a life of fighting hard to be your best you!

So stop telling yourself lies!  Stop being mean to the person that you should love the most!  This is the body you were given.  Take as good of care of it as you can.  Flaws and all!  It is the differences that make us unique.  It is the differences that make you YOU!

Be your best friend!

Love You!

MAKE today GREAT!!!

Facebook Body By BrendaT

IG and Twitter @bodybybrendat

#Empower #Strength #SelfLove #SelfConfidence #WarriorGoddess