Before you even ask, YES, I know it is Spring, and YES, I know this is a picture of a Christmas tree 🙂
But when I was searching for a different picture this morning, I came across this one and burst into tears!
You see, the search I did was celebrating memories. And although this picture is associated with celebrating Christmas and happy memories of Christmases passed, what I saw was the dark tree in the front, and I started to cry.
As I watch my Dad drifting away, I try to focus only on the wonderful memories we all had as a family. I try to think only about where he is going, and that he will finally be out of pain. He has suffered so much over the last several years, and I think God is finally getting him ready to relieve him and take Home. That is what I am TRYING to do. But in reality, I am sad. Sad and scared! Mom left us 12 years ago, and the thought of both of them being gone, is terrifying me. The changes and drifting that seems to inevitably happen when common bonds in a family are gone. I know I am NOT the best sister in the world to begin with when it comes to keeping in touch, that I admit. But the fear of losing the last common bond with my siblings, makes me feel fear. Will I also lose the only other people who share memories of the good parts of my past?
The trees in this picture made me realize that even though the lights may have faded out, the memories still live on in our hearts and in our minds, just beyond where the present lives.
So even in our worst and darkest of times, we must try to focus on the good and the light. The light is what will guide you through to the next part of your life’s journey. I know it is sometimes difficult to let go of the familiar and go forward into the unknown. The fears that come with change and loss are very real. But we must remember that even when lights burn out, our memories of the light are still present. Each time we access that memory, that light will live on forever in our hearts and will help continue to guide us through.
Share your Joy!
Share your Light!
I hope as you read this you are happy and well! However, this post is about getting past the days you are not.
I am having one of those today. It actually kind of started with a rough yesterday. A tweaked back muscle and having to cut my workout VERY short along with being a bit down anyway, led to a bit of emotional eating of grazing on almonds and whole grain crackers and hummus off and on all day . I hate being reminded that I am NOT Super Woman! 😦
I think the “off” mood was my brain leading up to today.
You see, today marks the 12th year since my Mom passed away. I miss her everyday, but on March 9th every year for the past dozen years now, my heart feel like it is breaking in half just like it did on this day 12 years ago. My Mom was my very best friend in the world. And I can’t imagine I will ever get used to not being able to pick up the phone to talk to her.
Last week when I hit Diamond Rank in my Beachbody Business, all I wanted to do was talk to my Mom. I was actually proud of myself! I may have taken me a much longer time than some people to accomplish, but I had some fears, self-doubt, and serious self-confidence issues to overcome. And I am doing it! Diamond to me meant that my light was FINALLY shining through.
But just like everyday for the last 12 years, I knew I could not pick up the phone to call her. Not even to share good news. This morning, as I got ready for work, I could not help but go back to that day. It was an unusually gorgeous and warm Sunday for early March, and I had been working out in my yard, when the call came from my Dad. Tony got it, and told me I needed to get to town, that my Dad thought my Mom was dead. Well, if you knew what a fighter my Mom was over the years, and all of the times we could have lost her, him saying that he “thinks” she is dead, I will honestly say, that I thought there was still hope. By the time I drove in the 30 minutes from my house to theirs, the ambulance was pulling away with the lights and sirens going, but I would soon find out that it was already too late. I was not going to get to say good-bye.
I still remember exactly how her hand felt and looked as I knelt next to that gurney in the Emergency Room holding it that night. Knowing that she would no longer have to go through anymore pain was some consolation, but selfishly, I really just WANTED HER BACK! We had a wedding to plan! I was getting married in 6 weeks! How do you do that without your Mom AND Best Friend? My heart was breaking. A piece of it was gone.
So today as I relive these moments again and again in my mind, I realize now why, even though I have finally began to let people back in, I still keep them at about an arms reach. I have been blessed with so many new friends, but it is hard for me to let down all of my walls. A broken heart bruises easily, and I tend to protect mine with iron fists.
So as I close this, I just want you to know that you are going to have “off” days. Have them. Feel them. Learn from them. But then let them go. Don’t let a dark moment in time take away all of the light ahead. I did that for a very long time, and I thank God for leading me our from under my Rock Bottom. Although I may visit that place occasionally nowadays, I will NEVER put up residence there again!
I CHOOSE HAPPINESS!
YOU have the power.
MAKE today GREAT!!!
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