I just realized that I missed doing yesterday’s Thanks post on my Body By BrendaT Facebook page.
But seeing how Day 24 – Wisdom
and Day 25 – Lesson from a Trial
Both hit me in quite the same place in my heart right now, I decided to do them together as a blog since I knew it would go a little long 🙂
I am beyond Thankful for the Wisdom that I have learned during the past stressful year and a half. I know it may seem like I harp on it, but some of this is taking me a long time to process, deal with, and get through. My Dad becoming someone I didn’t recognize, to selling my childhood home, where the BEST Mom in the world helped me get through some pretty F’d up Crap!, to watching my Dad slip away and the aftermath of grief, guilt, heartache, stress, and questioning myself time and time and time again, if I handled everything the best that I could. Was there ANYTHING that I didn’t do that would have made things better for him or my family?
But recently, I went through a program, that is helping me realize that I need to just STOP questioning all of that. It is in the past and nothing I can do now will EVER change PAST EVENTS! I am letting my past once again control my present and future! My head is so full of the POSSIBILITY of regrets that I might find if I think of a way that I SHOULD have done something in the past, that I am not letting in all the AMAZING things that will lead me to an even MORE AMAZING future!
I am not saying I am “fixed”. I am still a work in progress on this one, but every step forward is a step in the right direction.
A step I will be taking this weekend, is putting up my Christmas decorations. If you know me, you know that Christmas has ALWAYS been my favorite time of year! I love that people smile just a little bit more, and give just a little extra effort. And I also LOVE the lights, the joy, the brightness that all of my decorations bring to my home.
This year, I have just not “felt” it yet. It feels like something I “have to do”. I don’t have children. I don’t have big parties or gatherings for family and friends, so I don’t have that to worry about. But I have come to the conclusion, that I do need to do it for ME! I love it, and isn’t doing something nice just for me worth it? I think so, and I am hoping it will be another nudge in the right direction towards my healing.
You see, I live right on a busy highway, and hundreds of people have honked or stopped or told me through Facebook or friends that my home at Christmas makes our dark tiny little town a little brighter. So if the brightness of my home can bring a tad bit of joy to someone on their way home from work after an exceptionally CRAPPY day, so that by the time they get home to their family, they are in a better mood, then it was all worth it. Because sharing joy is what makes ME happy! That is why I have continued to smile even though inside, many times recently, I would have rather crawled back under my Rock Bottom Boulder.
So, how does this all fall into my fitness world? I was cruising along in maintenance having lost well over 125# and keeping it off for 4 years, but in the last 2, I have gained back enough that I am barely a 100# weight loss success story at this point. I have been struggling to be OK with me. But you know what I also realized on this journey? I don’t have to be perfect for anyone to love me! And if someone IS looking for perfection, then there are a lot of starving fitness models that they can follow. Me myself, I struggle with emotional eating and days where I just don’t get everything done, so food prep or a workout may suffer!
But I do MY best every day! And for me, THAT is what most people are looking for. It is watching me work through my struggles that shows my strength, not just seeing the pics that I feel show me at my best!
So I am Thankful for the wisdom and lessons that this trial period in my life has brought to my life. I am learning to love me for me, and not just for what I have accomplished. I am NOT a failure, I just found out that I need to deal with stress and trials a little bit differently if I want to have the future I dream of.
My dreams are big.
My dreams scare me.
My dreams will take a lot of work.
My dreams WILL be my reality!
Show Gratitude and Thanks every day for the blessings in your life!